I'm 64, but I'm still bugged about the way my parents treated me. When I was born, my Mom took a look at me and told the doctor she had wanted a boy. I mean, when I was a kid my parents divorced, and I was the only one who showed up for the custody hearing. One time, my Dad asked me if I wanted to go hunting. I said I'm game... so he shot me. At least when he took me hunting, he gave me a three minute head start. On the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car. No respect.

Man, I grew up in a rough neighborhood. My Dad's favorite restaurant had broken Leg of Lamb on the menu. I mean, when my Dad planned the budget he allowed for holdup money. When I was a teen I asked a cop how long the walk was to the subway. He said he didn't know.. so far no one ever made it. The bank on my block, when you opened a new account they gave you a free carving knife and pointed out two victims. Tough bank. No one respected the law there. One time, they raffled off a police car. Still had two cops in it.

My proctologist, he used to be photographer. He took x-rays; he told me to bend over and say, "cheese." Look, I know I'm getting old. I live in Las Vegas, last time I played a slot machine it came up three prunes. If someone tells me they go both ways, I figure they mean number one and number two. I'm still trying to lose weight, too. Last time I got my shoes shined I had to take the guys word for it. I mean I took a vacation to Mexico and I got the walks.

So I've given up on dating. You know how it is with those ads... no one looks like their picture. I met a girl for a first date, she showed up in high heels and struck oil. We were at the Macy's Thanksgiving parade and she showed up wearing ropes. I mean, I'm no great catch, but when I gave her a hickey I got fur in my mouth.

It's probably just as well if you don't answer this ad. When I have sex, it's like magic. As soon as I get in bed, my date disappears. I went to a massage parlor once; they told me it was self service. Then they took a look and gave me half off. No respect.

I'll be playing Vinnie's Boom Boom Room next week... don't forget to order the fish. It was freshly stolen just last night.