Hi,
I could really use a caring, loving gal-pal, with the potential to develop into something more significant.

(When I 1st sat down to write this advert, my intention was to write a quick blurb about my lonliness and why I am this way, and then move onto more pertinent information about myself... but that portion turned into a long-winded trauma-dump. I don't want the trauma-dump to be your initial introduction to me... so I'm going to paste it at the bottom instead).

So, about me.
I am the kind of person that enjoys hugs more than kissing, and cuddling anytime we watch movies, play video games, or listen to music together.

My ex (It's been so long) used to do this thing where she would use my chest as a pillow, and she would bury her face in my chest like how a cat rubs its scent on you. Then we would wrap the sheets over us and she could just sigh and disassociate. She always said it made her feel safe.

I just want more of that.
That and head scratches, back rubs, gentle caressing (for both of us). That, plus night-drives for snacks while blasting vaporwave/synthwave/synthpop, urban exploration. Movie nights (both in-bed, on a couch, or in theater. Music nights (record shopping, live events, stand-up shows, listening in bed).

Love Language etc:
Physical Touch
Quality Time
Words of Affirmation

Music:
I like IDM/Experimental Techno, Breakcore, Surf Rock, Quiet Storm / Motown, 80s Synthpop, Yacht Rock, Synthwave, Vaporwave, SynthFunk, Soul.

Movies/TV:
I like Comedy, and Sci-Fi, (specifically, Sci-Fi, about Robots, AI, VR, Dystopia, Dreams, Memories, Time Travel... and less about Aliens, Space Travel, Ghosts, Vampires, Zombies, Horror, Anime).

Radio/Podcasts/Youtube.
I am an "Oldtime Radio" buff (think radio Dramas like Dragnet, Hitchhikers Guide, etc..).
Beau of the Fifth Column, Big Joel, Legal Eagle, VeryTallBart, BadGear, ContraPoints, PDS, Chapo Traphouse, Blocks, Wendigoon.

I'm not materialistic. I don't care about gifts, money or status.
I do not have a "wanderlust". I do enjoy road-trips, and night drives, especially with a partner. But travel is not my #1 way to relax and wind-down.

Relationship Style.
It should be noted that, while I'm ideally looking for a long-term relationship, I'm not looking to get married and have kids (I've had a vasectomy).

I am not opposed to age gaps (me being older, you being younger) In fact, I would prefer to date someone in their late twenties/early thirties.

I want to be a shoulder to cry on, a chest to lay on. I want to be your big cuddly Teddy Bear (sidenote, I've lost 30 lbs in the last few months so I am not as big a Teddybear as I used to be, and no, I didn't cheat and use Ozempic lol). Maybe I can be your chauffeur if you don't have a car or don't like driving. Maybe you just went through a divorce or a breakup (like I went through a breakup 2 years ago) and you just want a kind and physically affectionate guy who is fun to be around, non-aggressive, reliable, emotionally attentive, patient, optimistic and can be the Friend you need when you have had a hard day at work, or school, or just life in general.
I want to alleviate any loneliness you have, and in doing so, alleviate my loneliness in the process.

Personality:
I'm extremely chill.
Imagine if Jeff Lebowski (The Big Lebowski) was combined with the geekiness of Kevin Flynn from Tron/Tron Legacy The humor of someone like Mitch Hedberg, or Norm Macdonald.

Politically , I'm a leftist (I'm not a liberal, because I feel like "The Center" has been pulled so far right at this point, that anyone willing to "Reach Across the aisle" is just wasting their time, and falling for all the bad-faith arguments and scams that the Right is dragging them into).

Black Lives matter.
Gay/Trans Rights are Human Rights.
Healthcare is a human right.
Women deserve autonomy over their bodies.
The workers should control and profit from the means of production.
Religion has no place in politics.

In Summary
I am not overly ambitious.
I work a maximum of 40 hours per week... and no more. (at least I did when I had a job... more on that later).

I generally wear Dark T-shirts, Dickies pants, and a hoody. My weight fluctuates. When I get to 195, I go Keto, and exercise to get my weight back down, but I'm not a gym rat.

I think to really sum myself up...
I do the bare minimum that's required to maintain my health and my financial situation.
I would probably consider myself an "underachiever".
I am not materialistic, and money and wealth are not a driving force in my motivations.

It seems like every time I go on social media, or a dating app, all I see are people in a "Grindset Mindset", or people that are cosplaying as such.

Everyone wants to play-up their gym routine, and how vegan they are, and drone on about how "active" their lifestyle is. Everyone has "wanderlust", and an "entrepreneurial spirit"... and so on... and so on...

Frankly, this is just not the kind of person I am looking to be, and though I am certain that many of these people are kind, and loving, and great partners... I have found that I can only date someone of that mindset for a short while before they become restless and decide they would be better off with someone else... or they become judgmental and begin trying to nudge me towards, or in some cases aggressively demand that I, "get on their level."

You might be reading this and thinking "Oh, he's looking for an emotional support, because he's lonely and sad and depressed." And, while I am lonely, and a bit sad as a result, I am not looking for someone to "fix" me.

I am actually looking to be YOUR emotional support animal.
I don't want to go down a "manosphere" rabbit hole (as that entire space is pretty toxic), but one aspect of the dialogue surrounding a man's place in the modern world that I do resonate with is this...

A man needs to feel useful. Specifically, a man needs to feel like they are providing something for their partner, that they aren't looking to someone else for.

We've already established that I'm not super ambitious nor materialistic.
I'll probably never be able to financially provide for two people, on my single income.
I am not even looking to move-in together, have kids, or get married.

But what I do have a surplus of, is free time, and the potential for love and affection. (And I know, from experience, that the potential isn't theoretical, I have been in long-term relationships, and I have been in-love before, but in order to be a great boyfriend... I need a girlfriend to be great to).

(ok here's that trauma dump I mentioned).
"I don't want to "trauma dump" or make appeals to your sympathy, and I know there's nothing unique about my situation... but I'm going to do my best to get the sad stuff out of the way, so I can move onto the things about myself that might be more appealing... so here it goes."

I am a high functioning insomniac with mild bi-polar, and mild anxiety.
Both the Axiety and Bi-Polar are semi-situational, and I can usually manage them without treatment. (I'm NOT Kanye bi-polar, I'm more like... Stephen Fry bi-polar. Essentially... under normal circumstances... I go 45 days like a "normal person", and then I'll have a Manic Episode where I have heightened productivity/creatvity, and I'll lose some sleep... and if I can't get my sleep pattern back on track after a couple of nights of bad/no sleep... I become depressed, and anxious, and then eventually I get so tired/depressed that I'll spend an entire weekend (or more) in my room with the lights off until the cycle ends, and I catch up on all the sleep I've missed.

So, what are normal circumstances?
Well, normal circumstances are; I have a job to occupy my time, my friends and family are doing okay, and essentially there's nothing bothering me that patience and self-reflection can't solve.

What are my current circumstances?
Well, my current circumstances are:
In the summer of 2022 my Longterm Girlfriend Graduated from College and dumped me so she could start her career-life with a 100% clean slate and no obligations to anyone.
At the same time, my lease was about to be up, and the rent went up to a point where I couldn't afford to live anywhere in that region anymore (at least not without rooming with total strangers), so I moved back to Phoenix, because at least here I could be around friends and family, and I could room with people that I know and trust (even if they are a bit messier than I would prefer).

My Grandmother passed away a few months after I moved back.
So, that was another blow to my emotional state.
At least I was able to transfer my job with me when I moved back (and eventually got a significant raise).
Unfortunately, my lonleyness and sadness at the loss of my Girlfriend, and my Grandmother have only been compounding this entire time. Initially, my attitude towards finding another girlfriend was "Don't waste anyone's time until you can go 48 hours without crying about something that reminds you of your ex"... but,
at the end of April, a change in management at work resulted in me being stuck with a manager who is... for lack of a better term... a total jerkface, and as much as I tried to just do my job and lay low... eventually he got uppity and started firing people... and I was one of the people that got gired.

So, essentially, I'm at a point now were, caution and ethics be damned, I need someone to be by my side while I rebuild myself.

Right now my life consists of going on job boards, applying for jobs until there are no more jobs I qualify for in the queue, and then just waiting by the phone/inbox frustrated, while I binge-watch youtube... until the sun goes down.

I have a roof over my head, food in the frige, a room of my own, & comfortable bed.
I have a 4 door sedan, and a motorcycle, I have video game consoles, I have a gaming PC and VR. I have access to all the major streaming services. I have a respectable record/cd collection, and a respectable collection of Synthesizers and Musical Instruments... and in the past, I have enjoyed using all of the aformentioned possesions in order to entertain myself.

Sadly, I have lost all motivation to even attempt to entertain myself.
I think back on the start of 2022, when I had a girlfriend living 1 block away, and I could invite her over, and we'd just cuddle and watch Movies/TV together, or listen to music, or play videogames together... or drive around the area after dark, blasting tunes and grabbing snacks, and just enjoying the simplest things because we had someone to share those things with.

I need that again. It's no longer a want. It's a need.
Love is what motivates me. Movies/TV is pointless without someone to watch them with. Videogames are a waste of time without someone to hand the controller too.
Music is daunting to make, because it all comes out sad now... and I don't want to make sad music.

I know, from experience, (and from the testimony of former partners) that I can be a really great boyfriend (some have even said I'm the best, and their favorite)... but I can't be a good boyfriend... without a girlfriend.
I truly wish I could just learn to be happy by myself... but unfortunately, looking back at my life, the best I could ever do alone... is contentment... and right now, I am having an extremely difficult time finding contentment. (The last time I was truly content, was after a divorce... and that's because I was just so relieved to have that person out of my life, that I didn't care that I didn't have anyone to share my life with... at least I didn't have to fall asleep next to someone that treated my like garbage).
But, that's not where I am right now. Right now I'm still emotionally broken because I lost someone that I was truly happy with. Right now I'm just second guessing myself and wondering if I had done anything different, would she still have dumped me when she graduated? Or was she just using me as a long-term rebound following her divorce... and is everyone just going to get tired of me when they move-up a notch in their social climb to the top?
(I hate all these toxic social heirarchies, and what they have done to people, and their relationships with others).

Ok, I guess I ended up doing the trauma dump I said I wasn't going to do.
Let's move past that.

Let's get shallow for a second.
I am lonely and sad, we have established this, however, I am not so desperate that I'm just going to latch onto the first person that responds. I have preferences (if I didn't have preferences I would just make a Grindr account and call it a day). So, what are some shallow things I look for in a partner?

I prefer hair that's on the longer side of the spectrum. (shoulder length or more, unless you are petite enough to pull-off a concave bob cut without coming off as a Karen).
I prefer healthy weight distribution (At my largest I was 5 foot 10, 195 lbs, and I consider myself an egalitarian, so... we should assume that I would prefer someone right around that level of fitness, or better).
I like short women, but I don't mind taller than me.
I like glasses (but don't mind the able-sighted).
I like Gothy (but don't care for betty paige bangs, nor excessive tattoos/piercings).
I like a gal that knows how to apply a smokey-eye look, and maybe some contouring.
I am really not picky about clothing.
I like someone that's easy to get along with, and is excited to spend time with me.

Please, no cigarette smokers. Vape is fine, I just can't take the smoke, or the "aftertaste".

I guess the bottom line is that I enjoy everything in life 99% more when I have someone to share the enjoyment with.
Are my memories even worth a darn without someone else to say "Hey remember that awesome time?..." to.

I would be really happy to find that person.
thx for coming to my Tedx Talk.
I hope to hear from you.