meh,
I am just having a bad day.

This is more of a vent than anything else, as I have a mild headache, and I am tired, so I probably couldn't even meetup today anyway unless it were a "nap, watch movies and cuddle" date.

It's just been almost 3 years now since I have had any kind of affection with anyone, and I still really miss the person that dumped me, which I guess is understandable considering I have struck-out on every dating site since the breakup. I have had a few in-person dates, but just never feel any potential with anyone, because it seems like everyone I meet either has their shit way more together than I do, and I don't want to waste their time...
Or... their shit is so much less together than mine that they would be a full-time rehabilitation project... and while I derive most of my happiness from taking care of others... there are doctors and therapists and financial planners that would do a much better job than I could, taking care of someone who's that far gone (and I also don't want to commit to a caretaker roll, and get overwhelmed and do more harm by "abandoning" someone when I decide it's just too much).

Ok, got a little tangental there.

I guess I'll just lay it all out on the line.
100% honesty.

My ex essentially dumped me because, aside from work... I don't do much.
And when I say that, I don't mean that I didn't have time for her (I would basically get off work every day, shower, and tell her I was free to spend time with her... and she would often take me up on that offer. Her concern was, what I did with my time when she wasn't available to hang out. She was super concerned that I wasn't doing something "productive" with my spare time, like a side-hustle, or a hobby).

I have had various hobbies, and I have intermediate to professional skillsets for a bunch of different things, from sound editing, to music production, to ethical computer hacking/maker projects etc... etc...

I am not really into Anime.
I am not really into Comic Books.
I own some game consoles, but rarely play.
I have a DVD library, and a Record Collection,
but no one to watch/listen with, and no one to play games with (the problem is, I am somewhat introverted, but I enjoy experiencing things more with a significant other, than by myself... so I have all these things because when I have a girlfriend, I use the movies, music, board games, video games to keep us entertained.

I look at my hobbies as "Things that pass the time when no one wants to hang out, and it's too early to get ready for bed."

I came down sick in my early 30s and haven't been the same since. Covid just made things worse. When I get off work, I rarely have energy to do anything "Productive." And I think productivity is the thing that is wearing me down.
I have the energy for friends, I have the energy for lovers. I don't have the energy for productive hobbies or side-hustles that produce a deliverable (like writing a song, coding a game, arts and crafts etc).

I do my adulting, I goto work. I come home, I consume media, and when It's late enough, I vape weed, watch porn, and go to bed. (I am not a 24:7 weed fanatic, I just have trouble sleeping, and it's legal now, and it helps with insomnia).

When my weight goes above 195lbs, I goto the gym, and alter my diet and get myself back to 165 or less.

When something is wrong with my body (besides the general fatigue) I goto the doctor.

Another thing getting me down is, I don't feel like I am where I need to be for someone in their 40s.

I never managed to save enough money in my 20s or 30s to mortgage a house or condo. So, I live in a house with 1 very messy roomate, and one clean roomate. (And sadly, a house can only be as clean as its messiest housemate... so my room, the bathroom, are nice and clean, but you have to walk through a dusty cluttered living room to get to them, and who wants to bring a lady over to a place like that? And what lady wants to cuddle/etc... with me, knowing there are two strangers elsewhere in the house?).

What are some other hangups?
(I mean you could look at my post history, and see my failed attempts to alleviate the loneliness by being someones low effort Friend with Benefits. I do have a very very high sex drive, and while I do not personally get turned on by kink/bdsm, I do enjoy pleasing my partner in ways that incorporate their kinks, if that's what they like).
I have never cheated on anyone.

Oh, there's a hangup I can expand upon actually. I am not into NonMonogamy nor Open relationships. Tried it a bit at the request of my previous partner, and I just didn't appreciate the one-sidedness of it. One partner always ends up having better luck than the other... and then you're basically stuck in a situation where, sure you're allowed to include others in the escapades... but how come they are always down to include another dude, and then whenever another woman is interested, they chicken out?

Here's another hangup.
I am a leftist.
But I am attracted to women that present themselves traditionally feminine.
(eg. long hair, wears makeup, not obese).
I know It's shallow, There ARE leftists out there that meet these specifications. Sadly I know there are more of them on the conservative side of the aisle.
I have nothing against non-binary folks, or bi women that present as masculine...
I am just not attracted to those aesthetics unfortunately.
I like girly girls (I also like geeky girls that present as girly. Geeky as-in Computer Savy, Indie, Crafty... not geeky as-in Anime obsessed, chronically online playing WoW or some other RPG or FPS to 100% trophy completion).

Oh, did I mention I can't make babies? And I don't want to date anyone with kids?
I am also divorced and don't want to move-in with anyone or get married?

Yeah, who's still reading this now?

I guess ultimately I just wish I had someone that's not going to shame me for porn-use, or weed, or for not being a 7 day a week gym-rat, or for non-productive hobbies that don't produce a tangible good to show off, or for living in a cluttered house, or for enjoying naps, or for being a horn-dog (albeit a patient and kind and respectful one).

Someone that has time for me a couple nights a week, and likes to cuddle, watch media, listen to music, chill, and engage in lots of tom foolery.
Someone to take night-drives with, and goto the movies with, and goto museums and the mall, and ultimately take road trips with, and be best friends. (probably should have put this at the top... but whatever.... I'lll just look at this tomorrow, cringe, and delete it anyway).

:(

(ps. I posted this in agegap because my previous girlfriend was 9 years younger than me... and in all of my previous relationships, my partners were older. I figure, since the last relationship was more enjoyable that the ones that proceeded it, I shouldn't overlook the agegap as a contributing factor to the harmoniousness. With that said, Please, adults only).