Hey guys from the zoloft sub. I'm going to share something I did that is obviously very stupid but my next appointment with my therapist is in a week so idk who to tell so I'm just gonna post it here. Ever since starting zoloft I have acted very stupid.

BEFORE you read any further please note that I will be discussing the following sensitive subject matter - drug use, alcohol, sexual harassment, self harm, suicidal ideation

About a month and a half after starting near the beginning of november I was overcome with this uncontrollable lust. Perhaps it was withdrawal from not being able to jerk off for 5 weeks straight but I was practicing abstinence from the beginning of november (you guys know what I'm referring to, stop laughing, I know it's for losers but I've been doing NNN as long as I've been able to).

Anyways so I started going online to try to find someone to mess around with. I stumbled upon this genre of subreddit called an "r4r" which (if you don't know) is like a reddit meetup thing but it's practically exclusively used for hookups. Unfortunately for me the vast majority of the userbase is men. Men that are older than me. I am not even a homosexual. But I said you know what fuck it life is only so short, there's no reason to knock it till I try it. I found someone surprisingly quickly. I'm pretty sure it was the first post I made that did it. And so I ended up getting my dick sucked by this 30 something year old man. It felt great but it was a little weird. And I wasn't able to cum unfortunately.

This is where things took a turn for the worst though. Once I had gotten a taste I was hungry for more. I went and sucked some guys dick and took it up the ass. This was around christmas. It was nice but still not relieving, sexually. And I hoped I could maybe... y'know lay off the dudes a little and spend a little more time going after chicks. Around this time as well I had my first drink. I had always been adamantly against drugs and alcohol. I even refused to drink coffee. But I believe it must have been the zoloft that made me less wary.

It's weird cause aside from the sexual side effects that's basically all it did. I felt no different mentally, my social anxiety wasn't gone, and I was a little more tired than before. I was only on 50mg however. I started frequently thinking about getting my hands on a whole bottle of something and getting plastered. See a week before christmas I went to an office christmas party. Even though I'm only 18 they let me drink. I had about 4 standard drinks over the course of 3 hours but drank lots of water and ate lots of food. Suffice to say I barely felt it. Just a little dizzy that's all. When it was time to dance I was boiling because I was nervous about making a fool of myself. Knowing what I know now, I don't even think I was tipsy.

But I had a feeling that I didn't truly get to experience drunkenness. I kept chasing it. I wanted to feel something. I tried weed. Twice. The first time, like with alcohol I didn't feel anything (cause I didn't inhale from the pen right). But the second time I shared an actual joint and that hit me sort of hard. Nothing like being drunk at all. It was like I couldn't focus on anything. My sister kept talking to me and I just closed my eyes and imagined I was driving in a car on a road made of lights. I am very scared of driving and still aren't anywhere close to getting a full license, I haven't driven in over a year. It was weird. And I ate a bowl of cereal with water instead of milk. That isn't really a relevant detail but it was really funny haha it was funny both in the moment and in retrospect. But it tasted fucking awful.

So then about halfway through january I was back on the hunt for sex stuff again. Although this time I devised a plan. I would stop taking my zoloft so that I could orgasm. I was planning on meeting up with this girl that I met from r4r. She was really hot... but also really into r*pe stuff that girl had some problems. We made a plan to meet up at a coffee shop near my house. The day arrived that but she was ghosting me. Turns out her account got suspended. I was fucking devastated. Because I thought that I actually had a chance. But in the end I just got unlucky I guess.

After that whole debacle I was still feeling down so I tried to find someone to get my dick sucked. I didn't want to get back on zoloft until I had a successful sexual experience. This one guy at my school messaged me over grindr and we made a plan to meet up. He was going to suck my dick like we agreed. But it turns out he had to do something (I won't share for privacy's sake but for the record it was a valid excuse so I don't think he was lying) and so he only wanted to kiss me. And I didn't want to because not only did I reckon I wouldn't like kissing but also it would be with a dude. You'd think the things I've done are way worse. But those are things you could only do with men. But this was different, this was a deliberately romantic gesture done with a man.

He had time on his side though. I was nervous and I was stupid. So I kissed him. And it tasted awful. I didn't like it. As soon as he left I washed my mouth out over and over again. But on the way back to my room I started to break down. It really hit me: that was my first kiss and I'll never be able to get it back. He didn't really force himself onto me but there was a bit of peer pressure. I didn't really want to but kissed him anyways. And I regretted it. I was brushing my teeth back in my room when I started sobbing uncontrollably. I was mad at myself. I was mad at him. I didn't want to see him again. I didn't want to see any man again. I didn't want to think about it anymore.

So I took this plastic wrap cutter tool thing that came with my mattress that I kept around (just in case I needed to open another mattress wrapper? idk I'm weird) and pulled at it and smashed it. Eventually I managed to rip it apart so that the blade was exposed. And I cut myself. And then I did it again. And again. Crying. I had cut myself before, but only to see what it was like. Never like this. Never this deep. I got blood all on the sink. It was awful but it worked. It was an excellent distraction. I had to deal with the marks on my arm again though which was annoying.

At this point I was about 8 days off of zoloft just cold turkey. I know it's really stupid that I did that but I didn't feel any withdrawal yet so I reckoned I'd be alright. But that weekend when I was out with my friends I really started feeling it. Super lightheaded, dizzy, like I was gonna faint. I'm just glad I made it home without anything happening. I took a 25 and then a 25 again the next day and then things were alright again. So like a complete idiot I stopped taking it again. And this is where the alcohol comes back into play. I wanted to get drunk. And not drunk like before I wanted to get absolutely hammered.

I went to my local liquor store to try to buy some for myself but they carded me. I tried drinking red wine vinegar. I even tried making my fucking own with yeast and grape juice. I don't know why I was so desperate but last weekend I finally got my hands on a bottle of wine from the cellar when my dad was gone at work and my mom was asleep. I drank it alone. The whole thing. 112.5ml of pure ethanol in less than 20 minutes. Social anxiety was gone. It was kind of fun being able to say whatever I wanted without being scared anymore. I would imagine this is what zoloft would do if it actually worked for me (I think I just need to be put on a higher dose for things to start taking effect).

Big problem with getting drunk that I'm sure you all know though. That evening I was sick as a dog. I was throwing up all over myself. And that wasn't even the worst part cause I could hardly feel it that drunk. The following morning I awoke at 8 and I had this crazy headache. This was a hangover. It was most unpleasant. I had to sleep through most of it but almost threw up again. Safe to say I don't even want to drink again.

And what now. That was yesterday. It's been 15 days off zoloft and I am absolutely losing it. I wanted to hold out a little longer to get my dick sucked. But does it even matter. My life is starting to fall apart. I'm failing my classes. I don't know if it's worth it. I need to get back on it before I do something I regret. This wasn't a symptom before but today I've been feeling super suicidal. I mean, I've had trouble with suicidal thoughts since I was like 10 but they only even come back whenever something awful happens. Oh wait I guess this past month has been pretty awful. Maybe I'm just not processing it right idk. I recognize it's a symptom of withdrawal though. Still I'm scared for my health. I was doing all this research about how to break my arm? With a hammer or baseball bat or whatnot. I know that's stupid and that I shouldn't. But I wanted to. Who knows what else I might want to do to myself if this goes on.

It's not really my year right now. I don't know how to end it. That's all I wanted to say I guess. Thanks for reading.