Hi everyone. Along the very recently reached age of 20 years old I started to shift my thoughts toward myself and my actual wants and needs in life. And I think I realized what isn't making me happy and, along this, what would make me happy but isn't in my life yet.

I feel like sharing this because I'm extroverted and yes, I admit, I like attention and I like sharing my thoughts and feelings with people, although I prefer with friends but I want to do it here as well so I can be open to many different opinions. Also, typing all this feels like a weight lifted up my chest.

To you it may be just a vent but to me it's quite a big deal:)

So, as I said, I'm 20 and I'm not working any job right now but I'm in college 2nd year. The main things that I feel need working on them in my life is love and let's call it "professional career". What I mean is, I realized that my views up until this point have been wrong and mostly coming from a perfectionism and idealism mindset. I've not been feeling like I've been living life up untill now. I felt like I was just going with the flow instead of actively finding out what I want and actively pursuing that. I'm honestly depressed that I've not figured this out sooner.

To give specific examples:

I've still not figured out what I want to do "profesionaly" but I managed to get the general idea. I'm in med school right now and I'm doing good grade wise but I've been wanting to change my major recently to physics or to be more precise, to a degree called "informatics physics" because I feel like I'm more attracted to it. Even in the field of Medicine I wanted to do research. And I'd do both but there's no time for so many degrees at the same time. I feel like whatever I'd do, I am very creatively inclined and I want a non routine job because that would kill me. But routine is important too so I want to find a balance. And I want to learn and do something that I like as fast as I can to be able to get money and start living independently since that's another thing I want.

Now in the love department I'm not doing good as well. I've never had a relationship before but I want one a lot. But I know how important it is to find someone truly important but I want to experience that.

The last person I've been in love with is a friend of mine that's a girl that I've known for quite some time. And at first I only viewed it like a friendship but over time as we started to share our lives and talk to each other through hardships I developed feelings for her. Unfortunately due to lack of confidence and certainty because of the fact she is from another city far from where I live I never accepted and/or confessed those feelings. Now that she's in a relationship I feel worse honestly and I wish I'd have at least told her. I feel like I almost got past that but I just recently realized my lack of confidence came from not being sure with my life in other areas.

I've gotten past some of these issues but I feel like now it's hard for me to actually fall in love. I want so much to feel love and to have intimacy with someone because that's something I want out of life. I know it's important to live for yourself too and to be independent and I want that but I don't want to wait until the moment my life is perfect to find love bc a. Life is never perfect, and b. Love life is something I think I require to feel trully happy. I am trying not to rush it but at the same time, my hormones are making it a very difficult task. Bc I don't want to do hookups but I'm very horny as well, but I want to have sex as a consequence to loving someone. This may sound corny but this is what I want.

Now what I want to achieve onwards from here is: 1. To figure out if I actually want to change my major and what types of jobs I'd fit into. 2. To read more and to try to perfect my hobbies 3. To make more friends and do more stuff with them. I genuinely love doing things and relating with people. And while I've cut out toxic friendships and I didn't make many in the period I've been depressed and figure out my thoughts, I want to be more active in this area and hopefully find more and better people to inspire me and be inspired by. 4. To try to find love and not miss any opportunities I get while looking for the right person. 5. Trying to be better towards other people without expecting anything in return.