Coming soon - Get a detailed view of why an account is flagged as spam!
view details

This post has been de-listed (Author was flagged for spam)

It is no longer included in search results and normal feeds (front page, hot posts, subreddit posts, etc). It remains visible only via the author's post history.

5
[Daily Discussion] First Page Feedback- February 25, 2023
Author Summary
AutoModerator is in Daily Discussion
Post Body

Welcome to our daily discussion thread!

Weekly schedule:

Monday: Writer’s Block and Motivation

Tuesday: Brainstorming

Wednesday: General Discussion

Thursday: Writer’s Block and Motivation

Friday: Brainstorming

Saturday: First Page Feedback

Sunday: Writing Tools, Software, and Hardware

---

Welcome to our First Page Feedback thread! It's exactly what it sounds like.

Thread Rules:

  • Please include the genre, category, and title
  • Excerpts may be no longer than 250 words and must be the first page of your story/manuscript
  • Excerpt must be copy/pasted directly into the comment
  • Type of feedback desired
  • Constructive criticism only! Any rude or hostile comments will be removed.

---

FAQ -- Questions asked frequently

Wiki Index -- Ever-evolving and woefully under-curated, but we'll fix that some day

You can find our posting guidelines in the sidebar or the wiki.

Comments

Genre: Sci-fi/Dystopian

Category: Novela

Title: The Sensei's Student

First Page:

Around 8 pm, Trei Martin would wipe down the bar.

The surface was a varnished wood that shined after it was cleaned. The concrete floor that he stood on was equally smooth, and, it too, required extra work done on it every night, so as to preserve its image. The drifter had been in operation since the early 20th century, and was a relic, with walls of old brick, coated with history.

The room was filled with seats for about 45 people, and on the far right side of the room, there was a piano, where tunes from centuries ago were played, in an attempt to immerse people in the setting. But, the space that had once been used for illegal drinking, and barfighting, had now been reduced to just one of the many bars in Chicago. At the bar, people used to clink their drinks together, and sing merry tunes. But now, people would sit down, and stare at their phones, with conversation being scattered. At least on Thursday nights. Trei looked down at his washcloth, and finished wiping down the bar. He rang it out, and set it back in the bucket. Then, he heard a rapping of footsteps behind him. He turned to see Lucy, tonight’s shift leader.

“You’ve done a good job so far, Trei. Only another…” she paused to look at her watch. “15 minutes, and you’re free to go.” she said, looking up again. Trei gave her a thumbs up.

Feedback: Any and all

Author
Account Strength
0%
Account Age
12 years
Verified Email
Yes
Verified Flair
Yes
Total Karma
2,484,684
Link Karma
1,000
Comment Karma
1,000
Profile updated: 6 months ago
Posts updated: 1 year ago

Subreddit

Post Details

We try to extract some basic information from the post title. This is not always successful or accurate, please use your best judgement and compare these values to the post title and body for confirmation.
Posted
1 year ago