It's September 4th, 2024 11:41 PM Roughly twenty minutes ago my wife was pulled over in our beat to shit honda civic That I was able to purchase from a used dealership earlier in the year. This vehicle has stood strong despite its storied past.

From the sunny beaches of California to the middle of nowhere Pennsylvania. This vehicle upheld its end of the deal between us. Get us to where we need to go and we'll feed you oil. While that's an agreement universally made between owner and driver what's not so universal is the treatment of individuals by those who have sworn to defend others regardless of creed, color, or nationality.

You may be thinking this tale has an ending stained with tragedy or some moral dilemma with which sides need to be taken. That's not the case.

The reality is, my wife, a fair skinned beauty of a woman, was pulled over by a police officer looking for some sort of justice. Be it social, ideological, or simply that. Justice. He sought this because he saw me.

Me. a person of color, come out of a not so safe looking gas station run by other people of color.

Me. walking to my vehicle past two strung out white men hanging out in front of the not so safe looking gas station. We all know why they are there but we pay them no mind. No, not them. Why them when I, dressed in all black with a disheveled look and strut that is MY normal.

The officer whose name we were never given appeared over us, mag lights strapped and ready, asking for her license and registration. Of course we comply, there's no reason not to. We aren't criminals with active warrants nor are we the type of people that would be out late at night looking to score a hit of this or that just to get through the rest of the day.

The oppressive, Neverending day that weighs upon us the world's worth of problems and anxieties, rarely offering answers or peace.

We are simply a family that prefers the night. The calmness that comes with it and the assurance that there shall be fewer interactions for us to encounter.

All of that is broken however by the startling flash of red and blue lights jettisoning into our mirrors only to be reflected back into our eyes as we look at one another in shock at what's currently happening.

This isn't how it was supposed to be.

Things were not supposed to get to this point, they weren't even supposed to kind of reflect what the world is today.

We sit in alarmed silence

Why was he so firm? Why is this happening? Did we do something wrong?

Did I do something wrong? I think to myself. A former convict of the Pennsylvania Department of Justice.

Am I going back to jail? How long will it be until I can speak to my Wife again. Will I even make it out this time?

These thoughts leave me as my wife is told that the lights above our license plate are out and that's why we were pulled over.

Lights.

Lights I never knew existed.

Lights I never knew existed that had thrust me back to a past I've sworn to leave behind for good.

We pull away and begin our trip to turn around and head home and this is when it all comes crashing down around me. Fear. Pain. Shame. Embarrassment. a myriad of emotions but with a central theme. This wouldn't have happened to my Wife or daughter had I not been present. This is what I think. This is what I believe. This is what my reality has become because of the choices I've made and the life I've chosen to live.

Sure, it would be easy for me to sit here and cry foul. Screech to the void about how all cops are racists and only exist to oppress and hassle the public they are sworn to protect.

Maybe that is what this was. Maybe that's what it's always been and I've simply been too far gone to really notice. Who knows.

What I know for certain is that I am a man that has done wrong in the past. A man that has done great harm to those that trusted and believed in him.

For that, retribution should be had, and in my opinion should continue to be had until there is nothing left of me. Stripped away bit by bit until I'm laid bare for all to witness the small and pitiful thing that I am.

That's what I know.

Before that final bridge is crossed however, in the wake of the inevitable ash I will leave behind me instead a solemn vow.

Be a better breed of man.