COLUMBIA CITY - Columbian president Jerry Brown has died unexpectedly last night in his Columbia City home. Foul play is not suspected, as it was found that he suffered a stroke in his sleep. He was found in the morning by his mistress, who tried to wake him and called the police when she failed to. The fact that President Brown had been cheating on his wife for the last eighteen months is another story, however.

Vice-President Gavin Newsom has ascended to the presidency, and has vowed to carry on Brown's work, which was managing about a 70% approval rating. The vice-presidency, for now, will sit empty, as elections are only a year away and a decision on who inherits the position has been met with gridlock in Congress.

Newsom stated that this is another reason that Columbia needs to finish work on its proper constitution, but that he "won't press it at the moment since it's wrong to use the president's death for a political agenda". Never minding that he just did, a convention is expected to be called in short order to hammer it out.

Brown's funeral will be held in a month's time. He will be buried in San Francisco, where he was born, leaving behind a wife and mistress. Neither lover could be reached for comment as they are currently fighting in Hollywood over who gets to be in the inevitable move about Columbia's first president.

Rest in Peace, Mr. Brown.

1938-2017