So, I'm a member of the executive team at a public service organization. There are 4 of us at the senior executive level plus the ED. Of the 4 of us at this level, I just found out that the two women make significantly less than the men (removing the ED because of course he makes more!). I am kicking myself because I know I am under-market for what I should make. And I did the thing women usually do and downplayed my skills and abilities when negotiating. I thought about the org first. Classic mistake in that public service mentality of being selfish/greedy/taking away from others, etc. And I know that's not the right way to look at it and I don't expect my team to make less than they should - it's an arbitrary thing I apply to myself, of course.

And now I'm angry. I'm angry at me for not negotiating what I knew I should and I'm angry at the leadership team for even having the space for this disparity. Do they not value the work that I and my female colleague do? Is it that expendable? It's interesting how I went from feeling valued and respected to not in a matter of 25 seconds. It kind of makes me feel like a joke - I know that sounds extreme, but that's where my brain is.

And of course I feel like I'm taking away from my family and let them down because the additional money could do so much for us - like it would for any family. I work very hard, at a very demanding job in a demanding industry, and take more time away from my little one than I'd ideally like...but I genuinely love my job and organization. And I value the work that our organization does and my colleagues. I love my work and that, plus feeling valued, makes late nights and hours on the weekends worth it. Now, I question all of it.

This, among so many other reasons, is why I am a huge proponent of salary transparency. Sorry for the ramble...just getting it out of my brain. I believe the disparity has been brought to their attention...and I think I'm waiting to see if there's a response. I don't exactly know what to do yet. Advice is welcome.