Please forgive me, this feels so silly. I want to play dolls so badly.

I liked barbie dolls the best. My sister and I would spend days and nights setting up all of our barbies and their houses out of whatever we could find. I’d dress them (with my sister’s input) while she established their backstories and drama. I think at one point we even cleared out a linen closet so we could have a multi layer house/apartments!

I want to be laying on the carpet kicking my legs, tucking my dolls into bed.

I want to tiptoe cups of water from the bathroom to our shared room so I can fill up the Barbie pool.

I want to watch my sister throw her dolls across the room before rushing them to the Barbie hospital. I wish I had her humor, her fun, her absolute spunk.

I want to use the mate of my lost sock to create a (not so pretty) doll dress, complete with a hair-tie belt. I had the Barbie Fashion Show video game- I was a much better designer there.

I want to watch my sister cut her dolls hair (it’s okay because she wanted to be a hairdresser when she grew up). She always did a good job too. She learned to braid on those dolls. I miss going into her room and sitting on the floor while she braided my hair so I could have crimpy hair for school.

We had a handful of my mother’s dolls. Her mother sewed all of her Barbie clothing. When I was a girl I thought all the clothes were outdated and lame. I’d give anything now to fasten the hand-stitched tiny metal snaps and buttons. I hope my mom wasn’t too heartbroken when I called her Ken ugly at age 6. She told me she still played dolls in highschool.

All of our dolls are in boxes at my mom’s house. I can’t wait to fight over who gets what for our children. We don’t even have kids yet.

But right now, I want them for me and her. While my mom sits in the hallway, just out of sight, so she can listen in, and rest.