Should've been our 4th, instead it's my 3rd time "celebrating" alone. The last 2 years I've had family and friends distracting me but today... I'm just, at home alone. Probably not the best plan but sometimes planning just seems like so much effort. And it's supposed to be easier right? This "far" out? I guess it was, I drove myself to the store, bought flowers and even smiled at the cashier when he told me to have a good day. Drove myself to the cemetery, arranged the flowers, and just sat there and sobbed for a while. I picked his plot next to a sidewalk, which I was thankful for today after all the rain. Are you ever stuck by the incongruence of grief sometimes? Gorgeous sunny day, nice wind blowing, birds singing, general springtime.... Sobbing widow on the sidewalk. But you know, the silent "I'm in public" sobbing, not the current "home alone curled up in a ball" sobbing.

There's so many different kinds of crying, have y'all ever noticed that? Sometimes it's just the quick parking lot "you have 30 seconds, pull yourself together" cry and then the silent "your kid just triggered you but you have to make lunch" back turned, big tears. Nothing makes it worse than a sweet little voice asking "Mommy are you ok? You sad?" I've somehow mastered the art of crying so that a minute later you can't tell that I was just crying.

But today isn't one of those days. This is the "I thought I was done crying 2 hours ago" type of sobbing. Just... Angry. Frustrated. Dare I say, bitter. All the more-so for thinking that this kind of sobbing was in my past.

So, if you've read this far, thanks. Y'all are the only ones that get it, unfortunately for all of us.