Everyday that goes by I feel like it gets worse, people think I am getting better but if anything I'm just better at faking it now. The initial support I was receiving is mostly gone. I have a few people still checking in on me but I know the world is going to keep moving forward and I am stuck living in the past. Knowing my best days are behind me and everything I was working for is impossible to achieve. I'm a shell of my former self.

I have tried to get out there and hang out with new women just seeking some sort of companionship because of how lonely I am but honestly I feel like it makes me feel worse. I compare anyone I meet to her and I know there is no one that could match up. All I want is her back. Life doesn't feel real. I used to be able to workout and focus on my passions all the time but now I feel like my focus is zero.

I want to die, I don't want to restart my life, it was perfect already and I just want what I had. She was my muse, I lived for her and she made me into a better man. I don't feel like I can be that man without her even though I want to honor her.