Hi everyone.

I know everyone here is going through something similar. So I kinda feel like a tit having a rant about my week. But here we go.

So I have been having dreamless sleep since T died and I actually really liked it because it gave my brain time out but this week I started dreaming again. It’s been horrible. My first dream of him i slapped him across the face.

As I have to continue living here next to where T died I asked my landlord if I could put up a fence so I didn’t have to see our old home and where he passed. My landlord told me no, so that was a massive blow because I pretty much go to pieces in the garden now and gardening is one of my main hobbies.

I know this is all very first world problem but it’s really knocked me.

I had a text message from one of T’s family after weeks of not hearing anything basically saying “ Hope all is well” and I pretty much have ignored it because his family have shown zero interest in how I am coping since he died. I will respond but in my own time and in a kind way. They weren’t actually checking on me they were asking about something to do with his estate. Seriously. Hope all is well.

One of my neighbours told the landlord T was dead before I did and has gotten transferred into the flat. While I understand the landlord needs to fill the vacancy. The same person was telling me how much they considered T a good friend and how sad they were….

So I am a little bit sad that they couldn’t have discussed it with me prior to applying and at least waited until I had informed the landlord and cleared the flat.

My blood tests came back normal I was told it was expected at my age and I was told there was no physical reason for my hair loss.

It’s all getting a bit much to be honest.

I feel alone. I feel unsupported. I feel people are not being kind And if it wasn’t for my experience of MH and my cat I would definitely be actively suicidal.

I’m sorry I can’t be more positive.

I’m actively dreading Christmas which used to be my favourite time of year too.

Thank you for reading.