Her birthday is coming up at the end of this month and I have started to feel like I don't want to sleep. I have no real active thoughts towards the day except I took the whole weekend off. But I feel something inside me not wanting the day to come. She died in March so this will be the first birthday since then. I'm kinda scared. I took the weekend off Incase I just lose it emotionally. Idk about other people but my emotions through the days change at right angles. I'm ADHD and it's kinda been that way my whole life but I've noticed I'm actually suffering from it now more than just saying I suffer from it. Since she passed my mind has been racing. A constant list of numbers and items for my babies and tasks that need completed back and forth and when certain songs hit through the day I'll be in mental silence and my emotions roar. I stick to Oliver tree and boy with uke but other songs slip in. Anyway I'm off track. I reckon I want to say I feel dread and doom on my horizon and I think it's her birthday. Idk how it's going to affect me now that she's gone. I'd always give her a kiss first thing and wish her happy birthday before I'd usually go to work if I worked that day. Most years I did. I've only had 2 birthdays that have fallen on an off day in a decade. I was going to take her to Crater of Diamonds this year. Now I guess I'm having a kid free weekend with a party on the 25th. It's my best friends birthday. Known her 20 years and I just got her husband hired on so lots to celebrate. But that Sunday will be the day. How did y'all cope when this came around? Do I just bury myself in friends and armored core? Idk. I don't think I'm ready for her birthday. It's felt like years these last few months. I've had days where I'm actually ok and then sometimes I feel guilty for that. I feel so much guilt for all of this. I'm the protector and provider and I feel like I failed. I know it wasn't my fault and I was at home but I just feel this stuff.

Thank you for reading this if you did. Thank you all for being so supportive. This is the nicest community I've ever seen. Thank you