The more I think about it, the more I feel like the last couple of years of my relationship has at least played a part in my journey down this rabbit hole. That's not to say it's the reason it happened, but I can't help but feel a lot of little things have added up to play a huge part in it.

Firstly, my gf's sex drive has decreased over time for varying reasons, and as a result, to meet my own needs without bothering her, I turned more to porn to jerk off. Slowly that's gone from fairly vanilla stuff (even as basic as lesbian stuff, female friendly type porn) then slowly got more kinky, then I started to watch more and more BBC stuff and suddenly here I am...

Secondly, one of the reasons for her decreased libido is weight gain. Not crazy stuff, but clearly enough to make her feel not as good about herself (no matter what I tell her) and less desirable. I'm about average down there maybe a little above average, but on the rare occasion we do have sex, and I'm banging her in doggy, my mind ALWAYS flicks to porn videos and I immediately start drawing comparisons on how my cock looks Vs how a proper porn cock (or more commonly now, a BBC) would look sliding past her cheeks. All those captioned pics of PAWG asses saying "you couldn't make it past her cheeks" run through my mind, usually resulting in cumming pretty quickly.

This leads to the third point, that I'm clearly not satisfying her, and then I obsessed over how she'd react to something much bigger. Be that a dildo or a real BBC. Would she realise what it SHOULD feel like and her sex drive would magically return, but I'd be left in a position where I can't give her what she needs. Further down the rabbit hole I go. Thoughts spiraling.

And finally, in more 'everyday life' aspects, one of her favourite bands is all black guys, and considering how far down this slippery hole I already am, you can imagine how THAT plays out in my mind. Especially when she goes away to gigs with her friends.

She has absolutely no idea I have even the slightest interest in this never mind the fully blown obsession I realistically have, yet somehow, all of these little things involving her have added up over time to probably help deepen and further this obsession I've found myself with.