It's hard to see clearly when you're in so deep

When you're in love and want desperately for it to work and can't imagine a life without her you're already deep down the rabbit hole. Your mind will play tricks, jump through hoops, do anything it can to get from the reality it's facing to the outcome it wants. And she knew that.

Stage 1: denial. Of course it was fine for her to meet up with her ex - it would just be plain racist for me to say anything because he's back, and I'm not so insecure as to deny her the opportunity for closure. Of course I trust her.

It's good she's working late again, shows she's progressing well professionally. I'm glad she goes to the gym so much, she's looking better than ever. It's great she has so many "girls nights", it means we're not mutually dependent. Afterwards, it's safer for her to occasionally stay with a friend rather than getting all the way across the city late at night.

Ultimately, that's all just denial though. The real mental gymnastics came when it was out in the open. Out of fear I kept stage 2: anger to myself and basically skipped to stage 3: bargaining.

I guess it can't really be cheating if it's her ex, it's not like he hasn't already fucked her, and before me too. I suppose it is my fault for not being better. It's not malicious, it's just coincidence that he saw her before I did in the anniversary lingerie and heels I bought her.

Why should we cancel the holiday just because I had to stay in the city for work? Why should she lose out? I'd already paid, we couldn't get any money back, what did it matter if he went or if she went alone?

Was I sad while they were in the Bahamas? Of course. That's stage 4: depression.

Did I become an interracial addict too? Yes. That's stage 6: acceptance.

The mind can play incredible tricks, especially when someone helps it connect the dots.