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6 weeks is all it took for me to become āinfatuatedā (definitely donāt feel right calling it love or whatever cuz I donāt want to admit how crazy this sounds).
We started talking online, had fun conversations, talked quite a lot, there was engagement from both sides, flirting, similarities, interests, etc. I slowly started realizing that the thing that took over my life was getting excited for her next message - her name popping up on my phone.
After weeks of texting we said fuck it and I sent my number, and she randomly decides to call me late one night. I was asleep but woke up and saw it. My heart was pounding, and being nervous of what Iād say half asleep, I didnāt answer. I got myself together and called back 5 mins later and no reply. Lol weāve had conversations on the phone now for several weeks a couple times a week, and the crazy part is itās always 1-3hours long.
Even if we both think she should go to bed, she says itās okay and I just go with it. It made me feel so strongly for her the most I think, not to mention the sheer randomness of how perfect she seemed to me. Which is funny cuz itās backwards of what I thought Iād want to think someoneās āperfectā [for me]. Cuz she doesnāt like my 3 favorite things and weāre starting talking without anything else included. Itās just backwards, yet felt so right..
Where we are in our lives (super long distance, being independent, working on ourselves) makes it seem like now isnāt a great time, and letting these feelings go without trying I decided was the worst option.
I said something. I said a lot of somethingās. Sheās a sweetheart that listened and validated me of course, says thereās āchemistryā, says Iām āhandsomeā, says she enjoys our conversations, the whole 9.
Well she doesnāt feel the same back I guess. Long distance isnāt an option, and sheās having her fun with no obligations with āfriendsā anyway (ouch).
Owell, not my place or business - I have no right to jealousy or heartbreakā¦like itās literally been less than 2 months and we never met in person right? So who knows how it wouldāve went anyway.
Part of me hopes thereās a chance down the road, but now that my confession is over, the talk has definitely changed. I can feel it. I can feel it took a toll on her battery and now she feels guilty and drained which she quite literally told me she doesnāt want to feel right now before I ever said anything. I didnāt know my confession would have that effect so now I feel bad lol.
My anxiety has been fucking me up though. I had closed off my heart and was literally just coming to terms with that not long before she came into my life and started unintentionally checking all my boxes.
Owell, such is life. But now Iām realizing that even as friends, itās still probably too much for us both. Canāt imagine it going back to how it used to be even if I desperately want it to.
This sucks. Ima just stop talking to her and do my best to remove her from my mind.
Itāll be okay. Hopefully.
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