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6 weeks
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6 weeks is all it took for me to become ā€œinfatuatedā€ (definitely donā€™t feel right calling it love or whatever cuz I donā€™t want to admit how crazy this sounds).

We started talking online, had fun conversations, talked quite a lot, there was engagement from both sides, flirting, similarities, interests, etc. I slowly started realizing that the thing that took over my life was getting excited for her next message - her name popping up on my phone.

After weeks of texting we said fuck it and I sent my number, and she randomly decides to call me late one night. I was asleep but woke up and saw it. My heart was pounding, and being nervous of what Iā€™d say half asleep, I didnā€™t answer. I got myself together and called back 5 mins later and no reply. Lol weā€™ve had conversations on the phone now for several weeks a couple times a week, and the crazy part is itā€™s always 1-3hours long.

Even if we both think she should go to bed, she says itā€™s okay and I just go with it. It made me feel so strongly for her the most I think, not to mention the sheer randomness of how perfect she seemed to me. Which is funny cuz itā€™s backwards of what I thought Iā€™d want to think someoneā€™s ā€œperfectā€ [for me]. Cuz she doesnā€™t like my 3 favorite things and weā€™re starting talking without anything else included. Itā€™s just backwards, yet felt so right..

Where we are in our lives (super long distance, being independent, working on ourselves) makes it seem like now isnā€™t a great time, and letting these feelings go without trying I decided was the worst option.

I said something. I said a lot of somethingā€™s. Sheā€™s a sweetheart that listened and validated me of course, says thereā€™s ā€œchemistryā€, says Iā€™m ā€œhandsomeā€, says she enjoys our conversations, the whole 9.

Well she doesnā€™t feel the same back I guess. Long distance isnā€™t an option, and sheā€™s having her fun with no obligations with ā€œfriendsā€ anyway (ouch).

Owell, not my place or business - I have no right to jealousy or heartbreakā€¦like itā€™s literally been less than 2 months and we never met in person right? So who knows how it wouldā€™ve went anyway.

Part of me hopes thereā€™s a chance down the road, but now that my confession is over, the talk has definitely changed. I can feel it. I can feel it took a toll on her battery and now she feels guilty and drained which she quite literally told me she doesnā€™t want to feel right now before I ever said anything. I didnā€™t know my confession would have that effect so now I feel bad lol.

My anxiety has been fucking me up though. I had closed off my heart and was literally just coming to terms with that not long before she came into my life and started unintentionally checking all my boxes.

Owell, such is life. But now Iā€™m realizing that even as friends, itā€™s still probably too much for us both. Canā€™t imagine it going back to how it used to be even if I desperately want it to.

This sucks. Ima just stop talking to her and do my best to remove her from my mind.

Itā€™ll be okay. Hopefully.

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2 years ago