So here I am again.

I met my guy here on reddit, on a different account back in late March. I'm 19, closeted gay and living with homophobic parents. Me and my guy (23/m) aren't official yet. But he's the first guy to tell me that he loves me. He's from Philippines and I'm from Canada (Also half filipino).

I've been debating whether I should make our relationship official. I can't even leave the house to visit friends and if not travel to another country by myself. My parents are overbearing. I'm moving to a homophobic Island in a year or possibly two.

On the other hand, I told my guy about all of this, and he said," Canada or Trinidad (The island were moving too), you're still the guy I love". I've been confuse for a while whether I love him or what my feelings are for him. I'm starting to think I love him because I cried for him before back in June and when ever I listen to sad song or a love song I start crying and tearing up.

I've been trying to get answers to my feelings towards him. I went on tinder and looked at local guys, and yes they're cute...but I don't see myself with them. I'm even attractive to him (my guy) in other ways (s*xually). He carves my name on a tree, he even told me he starts writing my name every where. He even made his Dota (it's a game) user name, my name. He compliments my eyes saying they're beautiful. One time we got into a argument and he told me, " I love you and I'm willing to be that one idiot who will be a martyr for you". He even told me, " If I ever meet anyone close by that makes me feel giddy, go for it. As much it breaks me, I want you to be happy."

If he was closeby, I would definitely go for it, but again I won't be able to see him since my parents doesn't let me see friends (even before the pandemic) and it would still be an LDR. But he's so far away, and I'm trying to be realistic since it's most likely I'm going to end up in the West indies. I was even tearing up a bit writing this.

There was a point if I thought if I could date someone nearby but at the same time it would be hard to maintain and I don't think anyone else would adore me as much as my guy. My guy made me his world and loves me so much. And I understand one sided love. My chemistry with people here isn't the best and I can't see myself with anyone else. I did thought about dating locally, but tbh I think that was just my feelings to go out and have some fun with friends which is platonic. Also, alot of gay guys wouldn't date someone closeted too.

I know some may say I should move out, but I cannot. I have a part time job, and my friend (he's 22) and he can't have the freedom people his age have, like going out and stuff. Yes, I'm a legal adult, but idk where my future would be headed in a homophobic island. Do you feel alot of moments of normalcy when youre inlove? So yeah. Stay safe everyone