I'm probably posting way too much on this sub reddit. I apologize for that. Tbh, I'm confuse. Even though I'm not in a relationship, I feel like I'm in a LDR. To start, I'm closeted gay (M/19) and from Canada. I like this guy (M/22) whose country I'm not going to name but my mom is from the same country. This is my second account as my guy has Reddit as well.

We been talking for 3 months now and I know he has stronger feelings then I have for him but it's the most I felt for anyone. Its my first time experiencing this stuff as I'm only 19. I can't stop thinking of him. For some reason, I started yearning to meet him irl. I feel like I'm on a roller coaster as my feelings are up and down. Btw, I should point out that we video chat many times and were pass the point of trust issues.

I know he would be hurt if I dated someone else, but he would still respect my decisions but he said it would be very hard to move on. I would feel the same for him as well if he dated someone else. But believe it or not, he's the most happiest thing that ever happen to me which sounds like crazy talk to me. I really think of him a lot and he cares for me. I know my feelings aren't strong as his feelings are for me, but I my never meet anyone else as him. I'm a suicidal person and I don't expect a lot from the future, but ever since we started chatting I started seeing myself with goals and talking to him sometimes gives me motivation for something great in life. I already got attached to him.

I sometimes feel I'm wasting his time, although he really wants me. I just never met anyone who cares so much about me. I'm confuse about my feelings for him. Sometimes I just miss him so much. Sometimes, I'm neutral about him. Other times, I feel like I love him. I even imagine hugging him. What is this feeling? DO I have to think of him all the time as cheesy that sounds?

If I met someone nearby (*Hypothetically), I'm not sure if it will work out. Thats because I wouldn't get to see the person often. Who want their partner visit them every once or twice a month. Even to leave my house is hard because its a bit of a struggle/stigma to convince my parents to go out even to meet my friend. (Before the pandemic)

One time we got into a fight, he told me "I love you and I'm willing to be that one idiot who will be a martyr for you". The reason why we got into a fight in the first place was because I kept asking whether he'll find someone that will make him happier then I do. Which I can agree is my fault. I'm just trying to figure things out. I tried to imagine my life without him and I didn't like it. He even told me he carved my name on a tree. I mean, I keep having the feeling that if I leave him, it wouldn't be the same. I may feel wrong to date someone else. I would feel jealous if he met someone else. He even texted my best friend that he loves me. He told me, he would be respectful with my decision if I left him but he'll be very hurt though.

Since were not officially in a relationship, I checked tinder just outta curiosity but it felt weird looking at other guys. I mean there were good looking guys but it didn't really affect me. Today he told me his cat died and he was really sad so I tried to comfort him. I never had any pets, but the moment he told me that, I shredded a few tears. I feel if I get him out of my life, I might be making a mistake. I just don't know where this is going. Even if I were to date someone near me I wouldn't know where its going. Am I in love with him. I know its sorta possible we can meet, so if that time comes, I'll be happy. This is the first time someone told me that they love me.

Any advice? Sorry for the tangents? Thank you and stay safe!