Im 27m, shes 22f. We met online through a mutual friend after joining a game with each other, and kept in touch after the game was over. About 18 months ago we started getting closer and closer, and approx 9 months ago I fell in love with her. Literally, I can pinpoint the moment it happened, and could feel it happening in real time (it was weird lol).

Anyways we kept getting close, and not long after I told her directly how I felt, told her everything. I tried my best to be soft and delicate about it, not knowing how she felt but taking a good guess from her actions that she felt the same. She didnt. Told me that she just wanted to stay close friends because thats how she liked us. Cool, whatever, I can handle that.

Well not long after, she introduces me to a friend of hers, and me and said friend hit it off. During this time however, she does everything she can to try and sabotage me and the friend from being together. Little whispers here and there to both of us, that kinda thing. Me and the friend broke it off and I confronted her, and she said she wasnt a fan of me being with her friend. She used the phrase "Imagine watching someone play a video game badly and wanting to take the controller and do it properly, thats how I felt watching her with you". To say I was lost was an understatement, she doesnt want to be with me but she doesnt want anyone else to be with me? Hows that work? Anyways we move on...

One night she gets drunk and starts "hinting" (aka sending me tiktoks) that I should stop talking to her and go find someone to be with. So, I do. Told her straight that if thats how she feels then thats how she feels. We stopped talking for a bit, during that time I felt like shit. Felt i'd lost a part of my life I didnt want to lose. After a while I check in with her, and turns out she is ALSO feeling like shit about it all, so much so that shes been sending the friend (from before) to check on me all the time. After a conversation and a full argument, she blocks me on everything, calls me every name under the sun, and thats the end of it...

Or so I thought...

Bout a week ago, she unblocks me and apologies over it all. Basically says she never meant anything bad she said, shes always thought I was different to everyone, and shes been missing me desperately. She started drinking again (badly), has been pissing off the other friend trying to check up on me, even ended up making an alt-account on the game we met on try and join my teams some more. Like borderline stalkery shit. Since then, shes been trying to get closer, but shes complained that I treat her differently and am acting differently and she doesnt like it.

I guess my whole point of this post is to ask: What the hell do I do? Like I wont lie, I still love her. Getting over her has not happened, and I cant see it happening for a long time. She acts like she wants us to be together, but she doesnt. She's even said herself "if it was anyone else you'd be in a happy relationship, but because its me (her) I dont feel like that about you". I just dont know how to feel about it all, nor what to do. I dont want her blaming herself or getting down about it, but at the same time im beating myself up over it all. Yes I know "Just get over her bro" but it really aint that simple...

Sorry for the borderline rant, its just been a complete mess. Any help is appreciated. Thanks.