The Fruitcake Portfolio v.1

Greetings my friends, and prepare yourselves. Join me as we learn the wey of gey.

What you see before your very eyes is an experimental portfolio I have made. No real money is involved, but essentially this is a watchlist on E*Trade with share quantities assigned to each stock to fit my hypothetical allocations.

The purpose of this portfolio--gey.

By tilting heavily to the gey factor, we hope to realize the rawdog premium.

The core of this portfolio is Grindr (GRND). It holds a 27% allocation (I had to convince myself to not make it 30% for diversification's sake, although such is still not off the table entirely). The path of gey is risky, but potentially rewarding. Grindr holds what many consider to be somewhat of a monopoly on the LGBTQ dating and hookup market. Only the individual who achieves great wealth from Grindr stock can become a true Lord of the Gey.

The other stocks that makeup The Fruitcake Portfolio are stocks that one might consider to be gey-in-some-wey. In reality, this means we must invest in stocks typically designated "women" stocks. Now personally, I love stocks of companies whose target audience is women. Just because the product isn't some sci-fi tech robot A.I. missile etc etc, doesn't mean that it isn't a good company with amazing potential. I personally already own ELF and [redacted] in my real accounts. However, in this portfolio, beauty, cosmetics, and baby/household care products (diapers, etc) make up around 26% in total (17% for ELF, 9% for [redacted]).

Hims & Hers (HIMS) was selected for it's exposure to the men's sexual health market. They got ED pills, condoms, lube, prostate massagers, cock rings, etc. With the addition of a 10% HIMS allocation, The Fruitcake Portfolio will be on all fours, back arched, with its cheeks up in the air for exposure to the chode of this lucrative industry. In addition to HIMS, there is also a small 2% allocation to Church & Dwight (CHD), because they make Trojan condoms.

FBTC is the Fidelity BitCoin ETF. This is the only crypto play in the portfolio and makes up 10% of the portfolio.

If Warren Buffet has Coca Cola (KO), then The Fruitcake Portfolio has Starbucks (SBUX), because Starbucks is zesty, and therefore, perfectly suited, as those who regularly drink from Starbucks follow the wey of gey. Similarly, Cheesecake Factory (CAKE) is more of a growthy-value stability stock in the restaurant sector. I wanted to originally find a vegan or vegetarian stock, however those tend to fail. However, CAKE actually has been expanding its business lately with the restaurant Flower Child. Flower Child serves vegan, vegetarian, paleo dishes, and more. So yes, CAKE is a bit of a compromise pick, but I think it fulfills the requirement of gey.

There is an 11% allocation split between Victoria's Secret (VSCO), Lululemon (LULU), and Nike (NKE). Overall, this is more of a value play and a smaller weight. VSCO is the primary holding here.

Disney (DIS) and Netflix (NFLX) are tiny allocations to streaming services. Need I explain why they are perfect for The Fruitcake Portfolio? If you are a 35 year old male millennial, and you still visit Mickey Mouse every year and take pictures with Cinderella, then you are no novice to the wey of gey.

Finally, we have a tiny 1% allocation to Google (GOOG). Literally the alphabet company.

Something interesting to note is that this portfolio actually tilts very heavily into midcaps. Once ELF becomes a large cap, then things will be more balanced. I’ve considered adding a SCV as well.

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For stocks and ETFS that didn't make the cut, I had:

TSLA & FSLR: The wey of gey is partial to EVs and clean energy.

VEGN: Basically a cruelty-free S&P 500. Considered including this and removing a bunch of the large cap stocks in the portfolio.

[redacted]: An OTC Malaysian stock that I could probably buy through interactive broker. It's particularly NSFW.

[redacted]: Weed Stocks.

TGT: Target is Target.

BBWI: Bath and Bodyworks for scented candles and slippery bathtub moments--with bubbles (ofc).

RVLV: Clothing Retailer.

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If anyone has any ideas of how they might improve this portfolio, feel free to let me know. Any interesting stocks that you think might fit well in the mix? Would you swap out anything?

I plan to track this portfolio's performance. I'm thinking I'll actually buy Grindr shares next week.