I am 32 and like in SEAsia but not born here, only work. I grew up extremely fat and at my heaviest I was 147kg. Not I'm 64kg (and maintained for years now) but I still feel really ugly and heavy. I am 6th tall and feel like a giant at times even though I'm not too bad now.

Why at university I was a lot Bloomer when it came to sex and I had a habit of partying hard. One night I was pass out at a party and was SAd. I don't remember much of it but due to this I never really had sex. I want to so bad. I want to be able to have casual hookups and date. I have never been on a single date and never had anyone look at me like I could be there crush. I'm not totally bad looking now. I had a glow up after moving abroad. My problem is I can't seem to loose my virginity (I don't count the SA) every time it comes up I bolt as it is really hard to enter me as I am so tense and not relaxed at all.

I wanted to go out on dates with someone (anyone) from tinder or bumble but I can't explain this issue without people getting weirded out and booking it away from me plus I live in a very small expat community so if I explain what happened to me it will get around like wildfire. I don't know what to do. I can't talk about this with my friends as now of them know.

Plus I can't date anyway as I literally have $12 iny bank account to last until payday.

If I can't barely afford it live (I spent my life savings on surgery this past summer), I can't afford to try and date/hook up with anyone. And it doesn't that I am a little socially awkward and miss social context a lot of the time.

I'm so stressed over this problem and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about it. I don't get why people don't want me. I'm really lonely and I can't even go out with my friends to try and cheers me up.

Does anyone have any advice going forward?

I know people say it will just happen but it hasn't and it's gotten to the point that I am considering getting super drunk and flying to Bangkok, or the like, just to see if anyone will have a pity hookup at the end of the night. I kinda wish I knew a male sex worker that could help me out.