On the one hand I try not to think about it. I tell myself all the right platitudes everyone says that losing one’s virginity isn’t really that important, that it’s not a reflection on my worth as a person, that everyone goes at their own pace, that if I’m just patient eventually it will happen with the right person, that I shouldn’t fixate on it and should just enjoy the company of girls rather than constantly thinking about them laughing about my virginity, that I should ignore the memories of getting teased about it in high school, and that I should try to just brush off all the societal making fun of guys who are virgins, etc., etc. I’m not sure I believe all that stuff, but it’s what everybody tells you to think to feel better, so I try.

It annoys me that I fit so many virgin male stereotypes. I’m smart, kind of nerdy, go to a good school, wear glasses, skinny, shy, introverted, have ASD, tend to overthink things, am obsessed with numbers, like to play Minecraft and watch Youtube obsessively and spent time on Reddit lol, get overly focused on my hobbies and way too passionate about things. I lose track of time and end up staying up accidentally until like 5 in the morning arguing about political philosophy. And then I get anxious around girls. I try to ignore it and follow the advice of getting out of my shell, doing activities and hobbies and such where I can interact with girls without focusing on it, etc.

It annoys me that people treat not having had sex as this major deficiency in life experience. I mean maybe it is but am I really that much less mature than people who have had sex? I mean I know getting really close to a person like that and having relationships generally takes maturity of some kind and emotionally with girls I’m a total novice. Even my mom makes fun of me for never having had a real girlfriend and being so awkward around the subject of girls. But it annoys me when people talk about still being a virgin like it’s some deeper reflection of you as a person. No, maybe it’s just a reflection on the fact I’m not experienced with girls. It doesn’t make me any less than my friend who has a girlfriend or the guy who somehow manages to hook up with a different girl every night when I can’t get any at all. And it doesn’t make me any more “innocent” (my favorite one).

Then I start doubting myself.

My mind starts wandering and I actually think about what sex must be like and what it would be like to be with a girl naked and it seems so frickin’ crazy and foreign and unbelievable to me. It’s such an unbelievable dream that I can hardly even imagine it happening to me. Like, my heart skips a beat even thinking about it and I get so happy and overjoyed for that split second before I realize it’s just in my mind. It’s just like the dream of dreams and yet it feels so foreign and unattainable.

And then suddenly I look around and I see like two people casually making out and dry humping in the mall. My suitemate disappear into his room with his girlfriend. My rival growing up who I can’t stand and wanted to one-up at every opportunity now with a new Facebook picture of him making out with his girlfriend. The guy who I used to look at and say “at least I’m not as awkward as him” has a girlfriend. Even seeing like stupid high schoolers all over the place holding hands in their damn school uniforms with a smirk on their faces. Even THEY have had this unbelievable life experience that I can only dream of. And so many of them seem to be able to get it with ease.

It is unfathomable, it is absolutely crazy to me (and a bit infuriating) that some guys are experiencing THAT thing I dream about on a regular basis. For me it’s just such a foreign thought, this miraculous vision and for them they’ve all actually experienced it. How can I not feel like they’re all laughing at me on the inside? How can I NOT feel like it actually is some reflection on my self worth? How can I not feel like they know something that I don’t? Oh yeah, because they do, what it’s like to have sex!

For them it’s commonplace but when I think of girls, even imagining being naked with them is just such an incredible sensory overload that my brain can hardly process it. I can’t even imagine just having that be normal. And then I think about actually getting a girl who is willing to go to that step with me. Omfg. I can’t even imagine how overwhelming it would be to actually experience a girl in that way for the first time. Just to even hear her say yes to it, much less actually do it. I can’t even put a realistic imaginary scenario to that. Even the thought of it MAYBE happening and I kind of get unbelievably horny.

And then I remember that some guys are experiencing that on a regular basis. Guys I interact with every day, guys I’m rivals or enemies with, guys who are light years less mature on paper and accomplished than me.

Like, ffs I’ve matured so much, like, from being a mediocre student to being an A student and have led major student organizations. I have gone though philosophical transformations and can win any debate and built confidence and fought like hell to prove myself and get into a really good school. I’ve accomplished all this stuff…I’m good at hobbies (maybe a little obsessive about the but still) and have written things that have been published and have won awards and have academic prestige and done things in the real world. All of that pressure from parents and from peers growing up that made so frustrated and competitive and made me want to overcome it and defeat them and finally “win” at something. I have these war stories of finally overcoming adversity and finally emerging as this sophisticated adult and …….. nope, doesn’t matter, they still win. I might be 80th or 90th percentile in a ton of other things and light years ahead of them in so many things (though the ones who still beat me in that other stuff are another infuriating story) but unlike them I’m still a virgin with jealous cuckold feelings who still hasn’t the slightest idea of what the inside of a vagina feels like. Or boobs. Or what it’s like to be vulnerable with a girl and wake up next to her or have her jump into my arms or have a fight or whatever people learn in relationships.

And despite everything I’m impressive at my best girl friend told me she sees me as “immature” and apparently it’s so obvious that she asked me straight up if I’m still a virgin. Wtf. And I don’t even know how to not come off that way. How many guys has she been with? How can I not feel naïve and jealous?

It’s crazy and unbelievable and infuriating to me that some guys even way younger than me are experiencing that on a regular basis. That they not only figured out how to do it and that they’ve experienced it but that they’re experienced AT it, like, they’ve built skill and confidence and if we went on “Jeopardy” and had to describe what a vagina is like they’d literally beat me 30,000 to -800. They probably know the tricks of making girls orgasm and could probably fuck circles around me. And they probably find it so normal and routine, like they can’t even remember being in my shoes and can’t even remember the innocent before-time. They all have massive body and relationship counts. And I haven’t even seen a girl naked. And I can’t even hug a girl in a totally platonic setting without feeling, eh, excited. And I can barely even make small talk with them without feeling nervous while other guys play grabass with them playfully.

When I’m around girls I’ve been trying to just play it cool and enjoy their company and not worry too much. But I’ve been finding recently that when I’m around girls it sometimes just out of nowhere will involuntarily cross my mind like, oh yeah, this person you’re talking to right now, she has a frickin’ vagina and it’s like literally right there part of her like a foot away from me. And then I’m fixated on it and can’t help wandering to imagining what that would feel like. Like, what that unbelievable feeling would feel like. Warm or wet or tight or whatever the heck they feel like that I dream about all the time but don’t even know what it actually feels like but I still imagine it and it makes my heart skip a beat. And I start thinking about that fact that she has that and it’s like almost unbelievable to me.

How do all guys not go crazy like that when they’re around girls? I think of it and like, all of a sudden it becomes really, like insanely hard to not get really, really, really nervous and intimidated and excited when I’m around a girl when I start remembering that she has a vagina. It’s just so, like, I don’t even have words for it, it’s overload for sure.

Every time I start even thinking about what a vagina must feel like it gets me incredibly horny. The idea of not cumming on sight, much less actually “performing” is hard to imagine. Like, my brain won’t even let me fully imagine it because it’s such an overwhelming image in my brain. I’m obviously very worried about cumming too soon when I finally get a chance. And then she’ll be disappointed and comparing me to all those other guys.

The idea of a girl loving me enough that she would endure all of that inexperience and angst and ineptness is the most unimaginable pipe dream of all. But at this point it’s pretty much the thing I hope for more than any other.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. Getting it off my chest.