Hi everyone. I’m a kiss less 25M virgin. I’ve lurked for a while and commented, but I’ve gone through a personal mental rehab brought on by staying home and having nothing to distract me (i.e another hour at the office or a night of volunteering). I wanted to give my take on stuff and maybe help someone in the process, regardless of gender. My chat is always open if you want someone to talk to.

But before I do that, first I thought I’d give a little bit of personal background:

• I wasn’t officially on “the spectrum” but my first pediatrician used the term Pervasive Developmental Disorder (not autistic, but they don't know what else to call it). I was later appropriately labeled with Sensory Integration Disorder. As a child the world was this Steve Carell gif from Anchorman, but when I was in middle school someone said to me he never would have guessed I dealt with a disability because I found a place where I could hide it.
• I was awkward as a kid and wore my heart on my sleeve. Case in point, in middle school a girl I liked wrote me a note saying essentially, “I know you like me so I’ll go on a pity date with you.” We were kids so I don’t hold it against her but I'll always remember that.
• I’m fine with not being traditionally attractive. After all, everyone can’t win the genetic lottery.
• Pretty much all of the women I’ve been attracted to have been out of my league.
• In most cases I hate small talk, especially in large crowds where there's not a commonality off the bat like at a Reddit meet up or professional networking event. A friend hit the nail on the head by describing me as “someone that’s more soft spoken and reserved [so] he may come off as a little awkward at first”
• While I had a great friend group at my college, I was never into college drinking culture and wasn’t a big party guy.
• One day when I did go to my college’s Mental Health office, they essentially told me, “Well, it seems like you know what the issue is” and sent me on my way.
• I put all of my energy into my career because it was safe, it was predictable. I’m grateful because it gave me a job that allows me the luxury of working from home and I don’t fall under the category of an “essential worker”. Plus, I’ve gotten to live a pretty interesting life in the process.
• I have a great core group of friends, but COVID made me realize I was under-nourishing that aspect of my life and should have probably expanded my circle.

So with that background in mind, I found myself thinking about frequent pieces of advice I see on this sub and wanted to give my 2 cents on it .

• Going to the gym/exercising/eating better: I still think this is great to do in some form, but I don’t want to use the word self-improvement because I can see why some are turned off by it. They might infer an underlying message of “so other people will you treat you better”. Fuck that. When gyms were still open, I would try to go at least once a week, but I never did it for anyone. I could care less if someone noticed I looked better and I would always zone out when I was there anyway. Don’t look at it as self-improvement, look at it as maintenance. I personally think we only get one go at this life and these meat sacks we call bodies are the ones we’re stuck with so you might as well look after them. This article and r/EatCheapAndHealthy were both eye openers for me.
• Just be yourself (or it’s many variants): This advice would always drive me up a wall because I think the premise is slightly flawed. We’re never just a single version of ourselves. As the old saying goes, “All the world’s a stage.” How I talk in the office back when it wasn’t also my bedroom verses how I talk when I was drinking at a bar with my close friend I’ve known since middle school is different so don’t think about it as being yourself, think about it as being genuine in the moment, warts and all. Granted the differences in some people are less pronounced, but I would imagine most people reading this don’t act one way all the time.
• Just get out there/find a hobby: This was always a mixed bag for me because pre lock down I used to go to meet ups in my city and I often volunteered for some non-profits, but I’m naturally an introvert so I don’t like leading the conversation once I get the basic Hello out of the way.
• **Dating apps: “**Have you tried dating apps?” is another well meaning suggestion I sometimes see in the comments. With everything shut down, if you name an app I’ve used it these past few months (Hinge, Bumble, Tinder, Bounce, and even Filter Off). I still think you should use them as a way to kill time and I went in knowing that I’ll have just as much luck finding someone there as I would playing Angry Birds. A few months back when I wasn’t as burned out by COVID I especially used those apps to just try to meet new people and go on “practice dates”, but I tried not to swipe right on everyone so as to not be negatively downgraded by the algorithm.

So what has actually helped me? Realizing it’s okay to feel broken and that I’m behind, not a member of the club, and a permanent resident on the island of misfit toys. The list can go on. We’re human and frankly it can be exhausting to be hopeful all the time. However, try to think about those moments of doubt as natural detours instead of the whole road because trust me they’re not (or at least they shouldn’t be). Also realize what you need from people, and here’s what I mean by that. While the results didn’t surprise me, at the suggestion of that same friend who described me as "soft spoken and reserved" I took the Myers Briggs test. My result was Defender so COVID has taught me that I need to surround myself with more people who take the lead. If you have a hard time making new friends like I do as an initial introvert, the BFF feature of Bumble has been a godsend for me these past few months.

Additionally, on posts I’ve sometimes noticed people mention how others make fun of them or put them down for their inexperience. If that’s the case you might have shitty friends or have certainly dealt with shitty people. Life is short; what few friends I ended up keeping in contact with post college & high school have never put me down or judged me for my lack of experience. You deserve to spend time with people who treat you as a whole person deserving of respect. If you have people in your life and you’re not getting that from them, maybe it’s time to rethink who you’re giving your time to because it’s valuable, trust me.

At the end of the day I’m not going to say it will always get better because life is frustratingly unpredictable that way, but if you’ve gotten this far just know that you are more than your failures, rejections, and lack of experience. As hard as it can be to accept you are more and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, including yourself, but most importantly at the end of the day as a wise man once said, "Don't Judge Your Insides by Someone Else's Outsides”