As of today, I am a 34-year-old virgin. It’s not something I’m proud of, but I’m trying to let go of the shame that comes with it. Birthdays always bring a mix of emotions, reminders of what I haven’t experienced yet, like being in a relationship, celebrating with someone special, or even just knowing what it feels like to share a life with a girlfriend.

This year, I’ve made more of an effort than ever to connect with people. One big step was deciding to open up here. It hasn’t been easy to talk about things I’ve kept inside for so long, but it’s been worth it. I’ve had the chance to talk with some genuinely nice people, which has helped me see that there’s still something positive on the horizon to look forward to.

That said, the past year hasn’t been easy in other areas. I work in a toxic environment that has drained me for years. I’ve been searching for a new job for a while, but every interview I fail knocks my confidence even further. It’s hard not to feel stuck, and that feeling extends beyond work. All of my friends have moved away from London over the past year, so I’ve been left completely alone with no one to hang out with. I’ve tried going out, exploring the city, and attending events, but being shy and introverted makes it hard to connect with new people.

One thing that helps me escape, even if just temporarily, is snowboarding. Right now, I’m on a snow trip in Switzerland. There’s something about being up in the mountains, surrounded by fresh air and breathtaking views, that makes everything else fade away. It’s one of the few times I feel truly free, like I can leave all the stress and loneliness behind, even if only for a little while.

Still, I’m trying to hold on to hope as I turn 34. I don’t want to give up on finding the things I’m missing, whether it’s a new job, meaningful friendships, or a relationship with someone who understands me. I know it won’t happen overnight, and there’s always a chance it might not happen at all, but I’m determined to keep trying, even when it feels impossible.

If nothing else, I hope this post reaches someone who understands what it’s like to be in a similar place. Opening up here has reminded me that even small steps can make a difference, and I hope to keep building on that. If you’re reading this and feel the same way, know that I’m rooting for both of us to find what we’re looking for. Here’s to hoping the next year brings some brighter days :)