23M Here.

It's such a dumb and pathetic thing to care about. Nothing else in life causes me to exert as many tears as it does. During the day, work, college, and other stuff helps keep my mind off it, but when I'm laying in bed a night with nothing else to distract me, it really starts hurt all over when I think about how I've never had it. Normally I'd say I lack emotions or really give two shits about anything else in life and barely anything causes me to give out a strong emotional reaction at all. Yet when it comes to being a virgin and lacking sex, I just start feeling so many emotions of loneliness, suicide, depression, feeling worthless, undesired, unloved. I hate it.

But it's not just the sex I want, it's that feeling of having sex with someone who actually wants to have sex with you. I could get sex itself by paying for it, but I'd feel even worse knowing I had to stoop that low. An escort doesn't actually want to have sex with you, otherwise they'd do it for free. They view sex as transactional and as providing a service, nothing more. I want have sex with someone who is actually sexually attracted to me, and isn't just using sex as a means to gain something or because they feel obligated too. Idk about you guys, but sex with someone who clearly isn't enjoying it would just make me feel awful imo.

I don't care if she's a virgin or not. I don't care how high her body count it. I don't care if it's a hookup or a long-term gf. All I ask is I get to have sex with someone who actually wants to have sex with me. Is that such a big ask? It feels so impossible and out of reach.

Idk how long I can keep going. What's the point in living if you'll be sexless and alone you're entire life. It's such a stupid and dumb thing to care about. Such a dumb thing to get so overly emotional over, and yet, here we are.