But that feeling of knowing someone wants to have sex with me.

Hey guys, 23M here. Being a virgin really has been affecting my mental these past few years, but it's just the sex itself I want, it's that feeling of knowing that a woman wants have to sex with and is sexually attracted to me. Sure I could lose to a prostitute, but I would feel worse of knowing that paying was the only way I could ever have sex, and besides, she doesn't want me, she just wants the money. I am just a customer in her eyes and nothing else. I'd rather die a virgin than stoop to that low of a level.

I don't care if she's a virgin or not. I don't care how high her body count is. I don't care if it's a hookup or a relationship. All I ask that she wants to have sex with me and that she isn't using sex as a means to manipulate and/or use me(whether it be financial, social power, etc). Is that such a big ask?

It honestly just hurts so much. Most of the day, work and gaming help keep me distracted from thinking about it, but at night when I'm in bed and have nothing to distract me, I start tearing up about it. It's such a dumb and pathetic thing to cry over and I hate myself for caring so much about it. I have been having suicidal thoughts but am too scared to ever act on them.

I just want fun, genuine sex where we both benefit and have fun, and that it's also something we both want. Is that such a big ask? Fuck man, idk how long I can keep going.