This is going to be more of a vent so I'm sorry if you're here reading until the end...

M25 - I've always felt like sex is something you'd do with someone you feel comfortable with. Not necessarily limited to marriage but at least for there to be some kind of bond/connection between one and their partner. This is something I've always firmly believed it.

I would say a less than a handful of times have I had someone close want to sext with me and honestly, I felt the closest I've ever been with them (one online relationship and one online close friend). I've never when on a date, never held a girl's hand, kissed, etc. Even now, the closest I'd say would be wrapping my arms around family and friends for a hug so you can imagine how much the sexting with them meant to me. To actually feel wanted and desired in some way, even though things ended badly in both cases. One of the side effects had left me insecure with my body. I've never been the type of guy women would find physically attractive, mainly because I'm extremely short at 5'2. But adding more parts of myself to be insecure about has left my confidence almost non existent.

Lately, the loneliness has been hitting me hard to the point where I'm trying to seek validation by posting nudes and hoping for some positive feedback which is nice at first but it eventually fades away. The other would be seeing if I can sext with strangers to feel some level of desire but after the post nut clarity, I feel deeply like shit... Getting caught in the moment only to come to my senses of how pathetic I really am. If I ever crossed paths with them in person, they wouldn't even consider me as a man or give me the time of day. And I just get buried in my thoughts of how I'll never be what women would want and if I just so happen to get lucky and meet someone, that it wouldn't last because I wouldn't be able to meet their sexual needs or desires.

The combination of everything makes me wish I could abandon my morals and go out and see if I could find someone who'd be interested in sleeping with me. To be able to at least give it a go and learn as much as I can in being able to give someone pleasure. I want to learn how to how to give someone pleasure, get as good as I can and then I feel it'd be a bit more confident in what I can and can't do. That way if I ever do meet someone, I at least would be able to give them the pleasure they deserve. But then it all spirals down with what if this or what if that. Sigh... I just wished that things were different.