That one day I would meet some girl (or woman now) by pure chance, we'd hit it off and things would lead to where they naturally lead. I now understand that, that's not how the world works. I've come to realize that I'm not a man, perhaps quite literally, but at the very least, not by 'normal' standards.

I watched as people I knew, mom, sister, other women I know, watched as love just suddenly found them one day. A man just hitting on them out of the blue and them getting together. I had believed that would happen to me, never realizing that it was always the man who made the first move. I'm sure it can, and does, happen the other way, that there are instances where the women made the first move. But I can only imagine that those are rarer than the alternative.From my own experience, I have never once been flirted with, never once been told that I'm handsome or cute or any other indicator of attraction, never been asked out.

Now before anyone starts with the 'don't let it define you' I'll stop you now. It doesn't. Most days I don't even think about it. But right now, I'm in a rough spot emotionally and my virginity, my lack of any romantic experience, is weighing on my mind.

I'll be turning 34 in January and my inexperience is frankly humiliating. I know that it's 'my fault' I'm still a virgin, that to have to put myself out there and talk to women. But that just not who I am. I've always been more...passive(?) I suppose, then 'normal' men and I simply don't feel comfortable flirting with women. I've never tried dating apps and after some stores I've heard, I'm not sure I want too.

As I said, I don't normally dwell on this, but depression has a nasty way of amplifying insecurities. These feelings will pass in time and I'll go back to not caring, but for now I just needed to vent I guess.