23M Here. Just another day of venting and feeling sad.

For the most part I come off as very monotone and lacking of any emotion. Most things don't get any emotional reaction out me, maybe a small one at best. But I don't care enough about most things to have any emotional care or investment in them to make do irrational things. I find myself always acting in a rational manner and maintaining control of my emotions. The exception though is sex and relationships.

The topic alone hurts me super hard. It causes more tears than anything else combined. I get this super emotional feeling of anger, depression, and sadness. I start acting irrational and let my emotions get the better of me. It just hurts a shit ton.

It isn't just about the sex, but more about the feeling of knowing someone wanted to have sex with. Someone who desired you enough to want to be intimate and do it with you. I don't want to pay for it, or have the other person feel obligated to do it. I want it to be of their own choice. I want legit sex where we both want and desire it. It just hurts that I feel like this will never happen. An escort would just make me feel like even more shit and overall I know the sex would just feel hollow and empty.

I just hate how it really gets me in the feels. I cry every night into my pillow because of how much it hurts(I can barely type this without any tears coming out). I'm so fucking horny and depressed. I just want someone. Someone that wants me. Someone that desires me and wants to have sex with me. It just feels like the thing I want most in life, is also the most out-of-reach.