Never had a gf. Never been hugged. Kissed. Anything. I'm a 24 year old man and have always struggled with social anxiety. Only recently have I made any effort to talk to women but the only ones who do stick around just seem to want to be friends, the rest just get bored of me because I struggle with conversation ( though I am improving somewhat). I want something deeper too obviously but it's just struck me how horribly lonely I am and I do have a fairly strong sex drive which kills me because I don't think I'll ever experience the joy of sex with someone who loves me, I'll never even be loved at all.

I really hate my life. I feel like if somebody just wanted me I'd have the confidence to completely change my life but nobody really does. If only I could talk to a woman about sex but I wouldn't know how to bring it up organically and wouldn't want to scare them off or anything. It feels like I'm the only one with this problem, which I know is not true but I just feel like I'm invisible.

Isolation has totally fucked my life and the more time pushes on the more I consider just ending it all. Life is a curse. I barely even have a real friend and certainly nobody understands what's going on in my head. I guess that's partly my fault for being a shit communicator but even if I could articulate my woes people just wouldn't grasp it because I'm not like everyone else. I'm not saying I'm special. Hell I'd give my left nut to be just like everyone else and have a life worth living. I'm just saying I'm different. My brain doesn't work the same as others which can be useful but usually it's a hindrance.

Anyways, I'm kinda having a panic attack because I really have so much desire and love to give to a special someone, but it all seems hopeless. I don't know what to do. I don't know how it's so effortless for some people. I need a miracle at this point.