Idek what to say really... the title is self explanatory, but, i guess i should try and give some context.

So, im writing this, in my bed sick as hell abd crying my eyes out at 4:25 in the goddamn morning cuz i finally was able to set down and watch the new helluva boss episode.

And while i should already know that show gives me pure unfiltered anxiety attacks abd causes my ptsd to act up like a karen on crack i watch it anyway like a fucking moron.

So i finish watching it and just... god damnit everything hurts... i love the show so much i love the characters the jokes the animation it's all perfection but fuck i don't know if i can watch it anymore.

It's to the point i have to mentally prepare myself and deliberately focus on anything BUT the show to just enjoy it cuz otherwise it just revs up my ptsd.

And at this point i can't even tell if it's actually my ptsd or me just being a lonely pathetic fat piece of shit, cuz no child abuse actually happens in the show so it shouldn't really trigger my ptsd but i break down any time a "wholesome" moment happens.

Like for example this current breakdown, this started after blitz went on his killing spree ahd basically saved stolas. But it started to become painful and i started crying during but mostly after the loona octavia scene.

Idk wtf is wrong with me but it's those moments that fuck me up. Even in media outside of helluva boss, whenever an even mildly healthy relationship is shown i break.

It feels like someone taking a hammer to my brain both metaphorically and physically as this always gives me the worst fucking headaches.

Idek how to explain it... or wtf is wrong with me, im aromantic i Don't feel romantic attraction yet romantic scenes and stuff like that always does this shit to me. Even now im struggling to articulate my feelings and how im perceiving shit as all my brain can think about is my MANY abusers.

It's like a crowd of bullies luaghing at me and the few positive voices in my head are being drowned out. And i know something is wrong and how drastic and overpowering these bullies are as my brain can't even hallucinate like it should be right now, i just watched a fucking horror video i should be seeing abd hearing eldritch abominations all around me, hunting me like im a rabbit to their wolves.

And yet... there's nothing... just silencenand darkness as i cry hearing the voices of those who have hurt me in my head. Reliving moments I'd never want to go back to. Stuck in my own fucking mind without a way to stop it. I'd gladly take the feeling of being murdered by some trevor Henderson creation in my bathroom than this. This is misreable and honestly if I didn't have the friends i have online i would've ended this suffering years ago.

But i refuse to leave them. idek if thats a good thing but i tell myself they need me, i can't just kms and leave them alone. So i don't, i just deal with this shit and idk how much longer i can take it. It's even getting hard to write this as i do as im crying so hard the screen is a blur so if i make a spelling mistake i am deeply sorry. Im trying my best.

I guess that's all i needed to say... thank you for reading, it is now 4:45, im gonna go watch some tf2 gmod shit and try to go to bed... good night reddit.