Sorry if it's a bit much ir the title is vague or what have you...

Ig I'll give a tl;dr at the start to help keep things breif for those who don't wanna read a fucking novel. Soooo...

Tl;dr, i was molested and it's ruining my fucking life.

With that out of the way ig i can start, so my friend carrots (idk her real name just her discord username) is an absolute slut. Has a stupid high body count and shows herself off naked all the time. And while this isn't necessarily an issues in and of itself for me it's the fact it's basically her personality and the only thing she really talks about. The reason this is a problem for me and has been for awhile and i try to tell her this politely is cuz i am not exactly comfortable around that subject matter so when it's all she talks about the chats can get uncomfortable fast.

And not even for the fact it's sex stuff, it's that she tries to include me, shows me imaged etc etc and while I'm usually fine a lot of the time im not. She's hot im not gonna beat around the bush here but that's kinda where the issue lies. It's the fundamental difference in bow my body and mind react. My mind sees it and goes "hot, moving on." My body just goes Haywire like yacko and wacko from Animaniacs anytime the nurse shows up.

That's where it's uncomfortable for me, it's my bodies reaction. I've tried talking to her about this but she just doesn't/can't understand why someone wouldn't wanna feel excited or pent up because she's someone who doesn't care and does it for fun. Idk how to explain it to her any clearer yet at the same time she's one of my onlu friends and a really old one at that so i can't just abandon our friendship and i can't just. Idk what to do about it all...

It doesn't help that literally everything has been going wrong. I am INCREDIBLY lucky at the positive twists that have been happening lately in my life but it doesn't change the fact for a straight week i was going through hell and only recently has it started to look up, and even so things have been happening that only confuse me more. I've been breaking down almost every day now and it's been a legitimate struggle for me lately, nothing is making sense anymore nothing feels right it feels like I've been trapped in an endless cycle of confusion. Any time i feel like I've understood myself something comes along and fucks it up. Every time i finally find something i enjoy my truama comes and fucks it up.

And honestly i hate it so fucking much. But the thing i hate most is that it's all due to one fucking moment. One moment that has single handedly fucked up so much and ruined my chances of ever living a normal fucking life and that's on top of the abuse i suffered for over 1 and a half decades. And honestly it's uncomfortable to even talk about let alone acknowledge at this point. Even thinking about it sends me into a depressive frenzy of self blame self harm. And while i don't physically hurt myself (most of the time) i do actively just... think about doing it, and sometimes even attempt to do things that arent painful but will cause damage like picking at scabs until they scar pulling out dead hair or forcing myself to play games i physically am not good enough to win just to see myself lose.

Any time I've ever even gotten close to attempting suicide it was during one of these breakdowns one of these times i merely thought of anything slightly sexual because of what happened. It feels wrong but in the same idk how else to help it, i hate it with a passion but fuck me man it's so much and has become so much to deal with i just can't. And it's impossible to just tell people about because i either get the response of "no one is this open stop lying." Or "oh that's awful! It'll get better i promise, you'll power through!" And both are fucking awful.

The first just makes me feel awful for telling people and the second ENTIRELY misses the truth of the matter. No, it doesn't get better. You can't get over a truama like this. It stays with you and the only thing you can do is learn to blaming yourself for it. And to learn to not let it affect you as much so you can live a semi normal life but i judt can't.

I was not ace growing up, i've always been apathetic to it all but never had a burning passion to avoid even the mentioning of sex. But now... and fuck it I'll just spill the beans now... but now i do, because any time i think about something sexual if im not extremely careful to immediately stop doing so my ptsd kicks in HARD, as... i was molested 3-4 years ago. And ever since anything sexual sends me off the fucking rails.

It's awful because my body and by extension me as even my own conscious self are not asexual entirely. I still am apathetic but i still can find some people hot or even sexy but if i do my fucking ptsd kicks in and i fucking panic so i have to force myself to be entirely asexual to avoid constant panic attacks. I physically cannot think of sex or sexual things without my ptsd kicking me in the tits and it fucking sucks. Because it's really fucking hard sometimes.

And while there's more going on at the very least i am comfortable knowing i have always probably been aromantic that's fine, and even if my aromantisism is due to relationship based truama I'm fine with that, because all it boils down to is "i had really bad experiences with every ex I've had and thus don't feel like dating again" that's still MY CHOICE i CHOOSE to not date with that. And even if it isn't im still comfortable knowing im aromantic.

But it's another thing entirely to have to force yourself to be something you're not just to avoid panic attack and ptsd. It's painful and sucks cuz I've lost a lot of friends because of it. Because all my friends online from before i was molested were super sexual and i didn't care but now i physically cannot be around them because it sets my ptsd off. Carrots is legit the only friend from back then i still have other than lt and she was a minor back then and knows of my molestation and so keeps the sexual shit to herself. Granted sometimes we joke using the subject matter but even then after it's all said and done there's always a sorry afterwards. Same with domestic violence jokes as that's my other immense truama.

It's seriously ruined my life and idk what to do anymore abd everything is confusing the shit out if me at this point because there's so fucking much going on.