TW abuse, suicidal ideation. I (20m) dated a girl (21f) for almost 2 years. We broke up and I started to process how abusive she was. A lot of mental abuse, financial abuse, and physical. She made me believe that I raped her by taking advantage of my codependency issues and trauma from my childhood, made me feel bad for bringing up wanting to have sex (as in I'd just ask and she said that she felt pressured, later said that I had raped her, and used that as something to manipulate me). She used suicide as a way to win arguments and make me agree with her, used threats of reporting my supposed rape, and threatening her family's connections to get me hurt. She hit me on a few occasions (ranging from closed first hits on the shoulders to where I'd be sore, kicking me in the stomach, axe kicking me, punched me in the face once and almost gave me a black eye. I left our shared apartment that night and later got a restraining order and she filed one as well, and when we got to court, she had texts from me falsely admitting to raping her. She lied about occasions and said I raped her when I hardly even touched her (she was gonna cut herself, I was getting a razor blade from her hand, only touched her legs to stop her from kicking me and her hand to get the razor blade from her). She's contacted my old friends and ruined a lot of my friendships because they took her side. I never said anything about her to them because I didn't want them to have a reason to dislike her. I got them connected and she used it to fuck me over. I don't want those friends back because they obviously weren't true friends, but Im just hurt. They were there for me through some of my family's abuse (which she also said I lied about, even though my mom has talked to her about it) and now I've lost more than half of my friends. I'm in a better place now, but it just hits me like a truck and it's so hard to do anything sometimes. My new girlfriend is really supportive and is helping me a lot, but I just don't know when I'm gonna feel better and not be in agony. Some people I've talked about have said that we just were a toxic couple, but I haven't done nearly as much. I never hit her, except once she allowed me to show how hard she had hit me. She abused me and I hate that people think we were just toxic, even if I can logically understand that they haven't heard her side and want to have both sides before saying anything. It feels demeaning to what I went through and I go through phases of wanting her to feel my pain, screaming at all my friends and just losing my shit over how they betrayed me and threw me away, and just wanting to end it to get rid of the pain