My bf has depression and mega social anxiety. That's "fine", I deal/have dealt with the same shit myself. But I've helped him through it a lot.

But.

He also had to go through 3 super painful operations in the urethra which led to bladder and pelvic and anal muscle issues. Pain after pissing, pain after ejaculating. Muscle spasms all night 5 days a week.

And the sleep issues, barely ever can get enough sleep. So seems like some new inflammation comes up every 3 days. How can you even hope to accomplish anything when you're in constant pain and you sleep 4h for 3 days in a row. All jobs, all school programs attempts crash and burn.

So nearly constant pain, depression, anxiety, no life direction. How can you blame him for feeling like shit. We've tried, it seems, everything. Antidepressants and sleeping pills of all kinds (which always, ALWAYS cause a mega rebound of extremely painful depression), physical therapy, hypnosis for anxiety, nothing ever really goes better. Lately I thought the pain was finally kinda gone, he found a way to deal with the post-ejaculatory spasms and stop them but then he got a sudden depressive episode for relatively no reason, oh and look the bladder pain after pissing is back.

Also sometimes it's the knees, the feet, or even the fucking jaw

Oh yeah and last year the anti inflammatory he used for his muscle pains caused fucking ulcer symptoms. So that was fun. After like 8 months of back and forth with our SHITTY DOCTOR it finally subsided but he has to stay on a pill for it and if he dares eat like shit 2 meals in a row the pain comes back.

Like none of this is his fault, really. And he says he's so done with the pain if it weren't for me and the dog he'd off himself...

God I am so drained. I was out of energy from these issues like 1 year and a half ago. I also have my own issues to deal with.

But I am not fucking abandoning him. I love him and wouldn't want him to deal with this alone. And when I feel down he's there for me like no one ever has been in my life.

I'm just so... so fucking tired of having 2 good days and oh. Pain's back and time to be depressed about how it'll never go away and his life isn't going anywhere and he can't sleep and society is collapsing. Oh well I guess we're feeling like shit today. Again. Like yeah I can try to focus elsewhere to regain some energy but when he's down how am I supposed to just ignore it and be happy???

I'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place. This is intolerable but I cannot leave. I'm just so...so...so...so tired... I feel like chucking plates across the room I am so done with this fucking emotional rollercoaster. At least if he was abusive I could do something about it. But it's not his fault and I'm just fucking powerless.

Oh and bonus, there are no therapists available anywhere, even the 200$/hour ones are full