Honestly, I think I'm slowly, but surely dissociating and falling back into my pit of endless longing for more to my life-?

For a few weeks now, I've found myself openly posting on various reddits to meet new people, and find my forever, and due to this I've gotten a lot of attention, a lot of- temporary interest taken in me and more. And it has been my motivation and honestly, it has been my kick starter to my day, knowing that there is people who actually accept, and find me interesting!

And I'd like to state I have autism, DPD(dependent personality disorder) for context. And k can't handle change, and honestly am overly clingy, and can obsess over someone when given the chance, I love to BURN for somebody, and I absolutely adore feeling reciprocated with falling in love fast, and thinking I've found " my person ". Due to me also being sexually assaulted as a minor, aswell as physically, mental, abuse and so-called much more, I find myself being the " kid " or the " immature " person in the relationship, and tend to depend on my partner a lot more than the average person.

But again, due to my multiple posts, I've gotten a lot of attention and interests. Several of these people have made me feel loved, and wanted as if I'm matter, and I'd feel like I'm on top of the world one moment, and then they go ahead, pick up, and block me on everything. And I'm left trying to pick up the pieces of why it happened and how/what I can do to make it better. I usually take this along with me and move onto the next person to fill my void,, and then it happens again and again, and again. And after I finally end the cycle- I find myself empty all over again and without a purpose-

So I stop. I try to space myself from dating/relationships, and go reconnect with my friends and family, but I find myself also falling out with them slowly? We've been talking less and less, and it feels like were growing apart. We each have our own problems, and it seems like the more and more we deal with it alone, the more and more we grow apart and flock to fix ourselves--

I've been recently considering starting self harm up again, after being clean for 1 year, 5 months, 14 days, and 14 hours. I know it isn't worth it, but I wanna feel something. I wanna better. I wanna feel wanted by someone, I've also been considering picking up and moving off grid, or seeking out new friends -!

I'm turning 19 soon, and I feel like I'm getting to a point of my life where I'm slowly, but surely maturing and my inner child is deathly afraid of change, having sudden change, or sudden things end or stop happening is terrifying and often sends me in a frenzy trying to figure out the cause of the change or such! I don't wanna fizzle out with my friends, but I'm also terrified of finding new friends or people who are willing to take their time with me, even if I connect fast, I want someone platonic or romantic that can make sure we go slow and steady, and grow natural , let me cling but let me know that nothings gonna change, I feel like that's too much to ask.

My dad recently refused to call me his child and considering disowning me even while MILLIONS of miles away, and just ah. Sorry for this long - vent.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk I guess-! </3