As it is, Ive suffered every kind of abuse sinc I was a child. And of course, all of those that be abused me absolutely refuse to acknowledge they did anything wrong to me. No. I didn't just randomly start drinking or taking drugs to nurse my shattered mental health.

I just finished my first week at a new job. My second since COVID became a thing. Granted, I am rusty, and am not as Mobil and flexible as I used to be due to my health, but I put in the work and refused to give up. Only to have my week review at the end of the shift, the boss had nothing nice to say, did not acknowledge anything I did well, only lamented that I can't physically do 12 hours a day 5 days a week anymore bc of my health, and that he'd be complaining to the recruitment agency that reached out to me.

On top of this, due to my own conditioning and mental health, I tend to second guess everything I do even if I know it well, because I'd rather be cautious and get it right, then confidently charge forward and make a fuck up of whatever proportions. Couple that with me having a different particular learning style from everyone else. Now I'm surrounded by people who don't have any actual training on how to train people - let alone any education on various learning styles. So instead, I get belittled when I ask a question for the hundredth time because I want to be absolutely sure given that it's my first week, a direct question gets a roundabout curse out of an answer. And then the "trainer" doing all this has only been working at this shop 2 months, he's on a power trip training someone, when he has no actual training on how to train people. There's nothing productive or constructive in his criticisms.

I told the boss that this makes me uncomfortable, an is very distracting when I'm trying to work my hardest, and either this dude refuses to answer my questions,.and just pushes me out of the way so to looks like he's doing all the work. I effectively got "it's normal to feel bad when making a mistake but his behavior isn't my problem" as an answer.

This isn't my first rodeo where I'm the only, or one of the only native English speakers. But the space is intimate enough, and I know how to read context and body language enough, to know when I'm being made fun of or cursed out in another language. So I leave my job today knowing that my time may be numbered because they will probably replace me with someone who can work their nonstop hours. Not a good way to end the week.

I'm currently homeless, stuck crashing on my Nmothers couch. Let's note here that both my parents and younger brother are all narcissists. I'm literally the only one among us that doesn't have his ego up his own ass to think he can't do wrong - oh that's right, I spent my whole life being beaten and had it carved into my thoughts and emotions that no matter how good I was at something, it was never good enough, and that I will always fuck things up. I'm so used to being blamed for things even things where i wasn't even present for, that I just...always have to ask what the fuck I did now.

So I tell my mother about this issue at work. The first response she gives me is "where did I go wrong raising you and your brother that you can't grin and bear a job no matter what" cause apparently in 2021 you're still expected to take abuse from everybody even in at work, even though there are laws that protect you from workplace abuse. But oh well, abusers gonna defend abusers right?

Following this, knowing I am not in my best mental place, she proceeds to have a screaming temper tantrum at 6 in the morning because she's misplaced her eyeliner pencil. Theres been no one in the apartment who would've taken anything, let alone taken her eyeliner pencil. She proceeds to ask me/accuse me of taking it...when I haven't worn makeup in years, and I always bought my own..

Of course, bringing that point up to a screaming banshee, pointing out the flaws in their argument, and letting them know how ridiculous they're behavior is, and that their behavior itself is abusive, gets me the threat of being thrown on the street....when I'm already only here a couple of days a week. Because I'd rather not deal with this abuse everyday..

Ofc, all in one day, as usual, the abusers find a way to make me responsible for their shitty behavior. My mental health is starting to crack again. I haven't drank in months because I can't trust myself with alcohol. But boy do I need a drink.

But really, I just wanna fucking overdose already. I really don't know why I keep coming back. I refuse to stay in a world where it seems like my only purpose is to suffer. I can't even get a fucking compliment to try and make mood better without someone making it part of their content they're selling, that I'm not interested in. Here's a hint, you make it all about business and straight up say you're not interested in being anyone's friend unless they're paying you, you're a piece of shit and don't deserve the people that do pay for your content. They're just nudes, it's just porn, it's not that serious and there's a lot of other sellers out there that might actually be empathetic, and not see people as dollar signs for their business.

Well, have at you. I have 5 bucks to my name, but I desperately need to find a way to get fucked up. I'm not even concerned with eating bc what's the point.

Feel free to dm me if you want. I wonder how many of you will curse me out for calling out shitty sellers. Probably a lot.