I live in the east coast, living with my mom, i don't pay rent, we live in section 8. (rent cheap) we live off subsidies (internet, phone) or cheaper version of it. its mostly gone now. being poor sucks, i washed my clothes in the shower.

I graduated high school back in 2016 at 19. I had an existential crisis, i was banking on childhood dreams, i gave it up, lost with no purpose, i had a mental breakdown at my job and stormed out. i cannot hold down a job,

2017 i worked at a warehouse, most miserable exp, i tried going to university and i wanted to exp dorm life, it was too expensive for me and i dropped out before the deadline, now i missed that window of time where i could learn to socialize because i was so moody/ antisocial growing up with people my age.

i kept seeing how people got college degrees, and debt, an uncertain job market or work life balance under capitalism/climate change i got depressed. I ask myself what's the point.

since then and now i have always felt like i'm *always behind on mile stones*, i wasn't even emotionally aware why i was in such a low mood all the time because i never spoke up growing up, i feel emotionally and socially stunted now i'm reaching a point now where i'm starting to get the gist of interpersonal social relationships, and deep seated insecurity has ruined my life.

my town offered a IT job certificate program and i self sabotaged myself, i gave up, it was so overwhelming, i couldn't handle it, i had terrible study skills,

i haven't been in a school setting since high school, growing up I had the IEP, less questions on my tests or homework, extended testing time, and teachers helping me. I hated public compulsory education. I still made A's and B's. i just procrastinated last min on assignments that have carried over.

I went community college in the fall semester of 2023, before that i tried going to state sponsored job training and certificate program, but i had to fill out what type of job i want, that where i was stuck on, i didn't know what i wanted to do, i was stuck on analysis paralysis, (will there be a job market for this, will ai take this over, will i make enough, is it over saturated. every time i thought about my career it always co-insides with an existential crisis every-time and i fall into despair.

my first semester classes were online , i was anxious, depressed, unmotivated, S.A.D coupe up in my bed room, i was so overwhelmed and isolated, i could even muster to finish an intro to art class of all things. I literally had no money to even take the bus, before the semester i was jobless in my house wasting away rotting agonizing every week how i'm a failure, im worthless, being left behind, i had all this time to change my life but i didn't it. its been hammered to me statically that those who go to college statstically earn more then those who don't.

i emailed my professor via my school email and they sent police to my house so they can esocurt me to the psych ward, i was discharged with a mood disorder. I couldn't take it anymore i withdrew all of my classes out. my guidance councilor encouraged me to do all in person classes for classes that i might like, i went through spring depressed, with no medication, had it not been an easy acting/theater classes i would have failed. Summer rolls around , because i withdrew 4 classes back in December, i was put on the SAP, satisfactory academic performance contract. i was given a ultimatium if i don't sign it, i would have to pay back the money the school gave me, which was a life saver at the time. at the time i haven't worked in 1-2 years because i caught COVID, having that gap is an employee death sentence. i took two condensed summer courses, i hated every single min of it. i had to take a required English that i didn't want and i took a intro psychology class in hopes that i would i under stand myself better, (it didn't) all i got out of it was that developmentally on a erikson model I had multiple crisis's that i never went through. i have deep seated shame and doubt, feelings of sustained guilt, feeling inferior, role confusion, not trusting people, i feel isolated. im skinny and insecure with body and appearance. i never fell in love, and last that i thought i was was just ended up being limerence.

Fall 2024 rolls around i'm taking all physical classes, 6 days a week, classes that i might be interested in. i was off medication months ago, lexapro made me more emotional and cry more. i got off it because im stuck in between hearing about SSRIs giving you dementia and having depression giving you dementia.

i went to a neurologist over the spring 2024, when i took the tests when i was depressed, they couldn't pin down what i had, they said i had SPD, OCD, dysthymia, but if they really wanted to nail it down, they want to do a brain scan which costs 1500$. i don't have that kind of money lying around, I passed Fall semester 2024, i got straight A's. i made the deans list and honor society, EOF program, winter break rolls around i catch up with friends, im drained mentally , i have no motivation to go out any more, i have no intrests, no hobbies, i feel like i don't have a soul anymore, i'm comfortably numb. now i'm back in college for spring im taking classes that are requirements that i don't want anymore, i dislike that im surrounded by people that are not peer age group but when i go out people have careers, or graduated and im stuck here in middle, im appraching 30 and i'm afraid to die.i been living off my school refund check. im out of the SAP contract. now its the 2nd week of school, i wanna drop out, i'm tired of theory, i want to live the praxis of life, after years after i still don't know what i want or who i am. i'm self sabatoging my life with addiction with my phone. i think im just deeply afraid of wanting to be happy because i feel like i don't deserve it or i'm just afraid of the unknown. i rather just take the CLEP (GED but for college). i tried or at least tried college, why am i even here what am i even doing here. i , im not smart enough to solve my own problems. the irony is i wrote a paper on anti-intellectualism for an essay. i'm fucking dumb as shit. why am i even alive, why the fuck am in college for and this piece of shit trump admin is recreating a rerun of the weinmar republic.

I did do my gap years, i didn't take risks, i didn't do thing that are aligned with me, i didn't travel, i grew up sheltered in suburbia.

If i settle for nonthing now i will settle for nonthing later