Warning: potentially offensive to people who adore toxic masculinity.

What does it mean to be a man? I'm 19 and I feel so utterly inadequate in everything I do, yet everytime I bring it up, it's "Oh toughen up" or "Be a man!" Is the definition of masculinity to bottle everything up and not break down at all? Like I find it incredibly difficult to do this and be the nice person I'm supposed to be. It's hard to give positive emotions when you are so full of negative ones.

I never had a solid role model as to what it means to be a man, my father was a obsessive narcissist who used me as a verbal punching bag any moment he could. My idea is being there to help others, to protect others and treat them how they wish to be treated, by being kind and respectful to both my elders and people that are younger than me. Am I wrong? I feel like I'm missing something and it sucks.

Like what the hell do I do? Is societal expectations of masculinity so fucked that we can't decide what a vulnerable person looks like?