Love is tough. I feel like a lot of the woman I’ve liked before always ended up with guys that were within her friend groups. She eventually leaves because of drama and what she enjoyed for fun. I’m someone who wasn’t super close to her or even a friend, but we could enjoy being around each other. I knew I have to keep improving because of that experience, but I wish she looked around at the people who she made happy around her.

It was my fuel and now after running into similar situations which resembled that feeling. I feel a bit empty and lonely now, and I know those where all feelings. Thoughts I couldn’t control before. I wish they could’ve felt the same if I told them. I know it’s impossible for chaos to self sustain without consciousness. It gets tossed around hoping at some time and place it fixes itself. No matter how much I understand that feeling is difficult to reciprocate in this world.

Even getting angry feels difficult, because my problem cycles through emotions too much. Only now to accept everything and nothing. I have to learn every pattern to keep making sure it stops, and I’ve gotten better by using the cycle to wipe moments from feelings i didn’t know what to blame. At times I still blame myself, but today I want to say loneliness won today because I forgot to breathe. I forgot that which makes me alive, so I wish I could’ve been that for her