I have come to the realization (again) that I am pretty bad at keeping relationships & friendships. I noticed that when I make friends, I usually make then through other people which cause this deep pit in my stomach. I noticed that when I am in friend groups, I am typically the odd one out due to some things like being overweight, being pretty rambunctious to liven the mood, for trying to seem like a people person (and also making it uncanny), for trying to make people's humor and missing the social cue, I struggle with mainly text based or calling based interactions (i do better face to face), etc

And I especially noticed that when I make friends especially trios, I'll always be the wingman for someone or their third wheel.

Now of course relationships happen naturally, just because two of my friends are now dating and I am kinda just there when they talk and have fun, it doesn't mean I am abandoned by them but I hate to say it but it feels like I am. I know that I am not perfect. However I wish I could make lasting friends that loved me and wanted that deep connection like I do. I don't want to date because I don't want to be pressured into the sex scene. But I want to feel that connection of deep emotional and passionate love for each, like we would be there throughout everything even the tough times. Even if it is platonic !

However another one of my biggest issues is that when I feel abandoned and unwanted in relationships/friendships, I run to different outlets like joining new online spaces for attention, wish that some older person would come show me "special attention", wish that I got some terminal illness or dangerously hurt so someone would notice and care about me, etc

Sometimes I hate the entire friends and relationship things. I just want connection and love and occasionally some hugs and high fives.