The thoughts are getting so bad that they are constantly turning into nightmares for me. Due to Intrusive thoughts, feeling abandoned, Compulsions, Overthinking, and increasing anxiety, I feel like I am not even sleeping at night anymore. I feel like i need something to deplete my energy fully to the point my body will be so exhausted that even moving will be to much. I'll masturbate everytime I try to sleep because without the rush of dopamine and spent energy, I won't be able to sleep. I don't want to have to resort to relapsing every night because by the time I finish crying and cleaning up, I'll have to worry about the consequences of doing it the next day.

I don't know what to do, I don't know who to talk to, I don't know if I can even talk about half of these thoughts because it would make me sound crazy or even worse. I hate the compulsions, especially the ones triggered by my area of work. It makes it so hard to keep going and not quit out of fear and I really need the money. The nightmares are too much and I want to be comforted but I keep Overthinking the comfort part and nightmares and worry about my close ones reactions and I can't seek out help. My thoughts keep telling me that my friends are abandoning me and it's getting to the point that I am going to isolate again so I can feel safe but I'm trying so hard not too.

I want to be put out of my misery so bad, I need sleep i really need sleep.