My mother has kidney failure and does her dialysis at home. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment that has a central "living area" (I refuse to call it a living room). Anyways her dialysis machine and all her supplies and stuff are in here...so am I unfortunately. There's no privacy. I rarely get to sleep peacefully because the other two rooms are attached to this space and everybody has to go through it to get to anywhere else in the house.

Today she "forgot" she had to do a treatment and ended up starting the treatment after 11PM. Her dialysis lasts a few hours so it ended at 4AM this morning.

I have a doctor's appointment I've been waiting for for months. She knows how important this is for me. I reminded her again today so I don't see how it's slip her mind and not push her to do her dialysis in a timely manner. As she was setting up her treatment I very calmly and non-confrontationally asked her how long she was going to be doing this treatment, she immediately gets defensive and starts demanding I tell her why I'm asking a simple question. I'm like "I have to get up in the morning. Y'all are going to wake me up if I get a chance to sleep tonight."

I don't think anything of it but then I hear her whispering to her boyfriend about me calling me ungrateful for some reason and saying "I don't want to be in there with her. I don't want to dIstUrB hEr", being mocking and really mean. So when she leaves her room I ask her what I did wrong to her-at this point I'm just hurt and trying not to cry.

She gets excited and is like "I really don't want to bother you so I'm going to bring this stuff in the room." I don't know if I fucked up by telling her not to do it and asking again wtf I did to her to deserve to be treated this way, because she made me feel bad for even asking about the time she'd be finished because I know she needs her treatments. They literally keep her alive. The thing with her doing the treatments in her room is that it's almost impossible because the machine is big and clunky and essentially fixed to the wall in the living room because it's the closest to the plumbing which is needed for the thing to work in the first place. There's hardly any space in her room as is. She makes it seem like I'm crazy and keeps telling me it's ok and doesn't matter.

Eventually she obviously ended up staying in here and completing the treatment. I never actually slept because the machine was loud as fuck and I have been in pain all day and just not all here mentally.

Yesterday my mom accused me and my brother of moving stuff around deliberately after she fixed it the way she wanted in the kitchen. I asked her what she's actually talking about to see if I accidentally moved it or dropped it or something, even though I know it wasn't me who had anything to do with it because my legs have been super swollen and painful to the point I literally only get out of bed if I absolutely have to. I don't go to the kitchen to do anything but get food and something to drink and that's also very rare because I hardly have an appetite anymore. I'm eating about once a day. I asked her for specific examples of what's been moved and she got huffy and yelled at me to drop the conversation.

I am 23f she's 49f, I told her I'm just trying to be adult about it and fix whatever issue she has with me if I can. She insists we forget about it but is upset and sucking her teeth in the kitchen. I get up and try to see what the issue is but she yelled at me to drop it and sit down. We ended up just sitting and talking in the kitchen because I refuse to let her bully me about simple things. She still couldn't name a single thing that me or my brother could have possibly moved to spite her throughout the whole conversation. So she switched it up and started only complaining about her boyfriend and my brother.

I really didn't want to hear it but my leg started blowing up as I was sitting there with her and she "couldn't" help me back to bed.

The day before that she was complaining about there not being enough income coming in.

I have always been sick but this year in January I had issues with my stomach and iron to the point where I was fainting and needed transfusions and fluids. I stayed in the hospital for that for a couple days before getting the flu AND COVID from my hospital roommate. It ended up being aover a 2 week long hospital stay. I couldn't work, even after getting out the hospital. I have been working since I was 14, first for my family off the books, until I was 17. Then at another store and a couple other jobs, I have always contributed to the household- food, cable/wifi or anything else that was needed. I never had a paycheck to myself. From 19 on I worked as a home health aide for my baby cousin and I was earning much less for way more work than imaginable. That whole time I was paying rent and still buying groceries and other things. We're having issues with our landlord now and absolutely have to leave.

ANYWAYS after that hospital stent, I had a stroke which left my left arm useless for a while. I had a brain infection. Since then I have also been diagnosed with Lupus and MS. My conditions were the cause of almost everything medical I have gone through during my teenage years. But after the stroke, each flare up I have is like 90 times worse and I haven't worked since Jan.

The other day my mom made me feel really useless and like a moocher or something so I have been relying on SW and luck for income. This past May I literally only made $60. Other than that whenever we need money it's up to me to get what we can from my dad who works for my grandmother (his 79y.o. mother). It's really hard for me to talk to him and be around him because he abused us for years but she still forces me saying we rely on her too much and we need to go to our other parent more often because she didn't make us alone. 🙄 They gave me $250 but I gave the money to my mom for the house's needs. I asked her for $20 and she told me no. BUT She brought one package of meat, some frozen veggies, bag of rice, $60 WORTH OF FUCKING WEED and whatever is needed to smoke it and the rest of the money has disappeared. I literally don't know where it is. So.

My mom's boyfriend doesn't make a lot of money but at least he contributes to the household and is my mom's caretaker(gives dialysis, runs errands with her, etc) I don't really like him but that's just my bias however I really do honestly appreciate him and all he does. For whatever reason my mom wants to break up with him (he's 21m, depressed about our situation but really unproblematic otherwise). She's always starting trouble with him and dragging me into it too. Anytime I tell her the truth about herself and how she is with him she basically kicks me out so I've learned to say the least I can get away with. It's just a super toxic relationship and wish he saw that.

My brother works part-time for FedEx but doesn't give anything to the house and my mom just lets him get away with it but constantly complains to me about him. I feel bad for him because she is a very sometimes parent and he really doesn't know where he stands with her. The rare times she does bring up the money issues, they fight and I have to be the mediator but nothing ever changes except she tries harder and harder to guilt me into doing things I literally can't anymore. My brother has his faults and whatever but I am terrified of leaving him.

It wasn't always so bad.

Growing up I saw the bad in everything and was really low for a while but I also saw how much my mom was doing for us and appreciated it. I've forgiven her for her bad choices, for every argument. I don't allow her to get to me as much, my skin is so much thicker and my thoughts are clearer and more mature. I truly swear I am not brainwashed by her anymore. It's just too hard to explain.

That's why I didn't mind sharing my money but now I just feel like I should have cut my family and mother off looooong ago. I just feel really stuck. I don't have anyone that would help me and I don't think it's be fair to try and have someone share my burden.

I have been trying to get SSI for a while now, too. Especially since my left side is still really weak and I'm always having flare ups where I tremble uncontrollably. I even have a lawyer but that's taking a long time. I know I'm not a bad person or bad daughter but I haven't been feeling anything but overwhelmed. I just want to leave here and never come back. I have a plan if it ever gets that bad but I'm mostly just hoping for better days. I feel like my mom and brother might change for the better when we truly hit rock bottom.

It's a sick thought and I'm tired of making up silver linings but the alternative isnt great either.

Before getting my diagnoses I used to be almost normal. I was in school consistently whereas now I have to go in and talk to my school to fight for my future education because I need all the time off I can get and they keep fumbling the bag. I just didn't expect my life to turn out this way. I had big hopes for myself once upon a time. Now I'm just not sure what direction I'm even going.