I'm 34 and by appearance an black male. The reality is I'm mixed, that doesn't matter to the world however. I am really having a hard time in life and I just thought maybe someone on here could listen or maybe have some advice that isn't generic or always used. I've lost my job for trying to help fix something. I have not been able to find a decent relationship in years. I'm about to get divorced from an mentally, physically and verbally abusive wife. Sounds like good news but it leaves you to wonder why am I so broken about it? It's women, it's men, it's our very existence as humans. The world has changed drastically while I am a traditional man. I honor the bible and it's words as best I can. I'm only interested in monogamy. I'm sweet, kind, caring, thoughtful, loyal and chivalrous. I'm a lovable person and yet I can't even talk to women without some sort of "Fear" popping up in their heads and sending them into fight or flight mode. I can't get along with guys because most of what they stand for or like I'm not interested in. I'm a black sheep if you will or maybe even a person born out of time. I keep saying to the few friends I have I was not meant to live in the current time period. I don't act, move ,speak nor engage the way anyone else does. Most people often relate me to job in the bible for my patience, I don't think it's patience really though. I feel like if I'm not interested I tend to zone out subconsciously or remove myself as quickly as possible. As humans we have made so many advancements and achievements through time yet we stopped caring for one another. We stopped helping and we stopped doing what needs to be done for the right causes. Simply put I feel like vanity, grees and lust are ruling the world and everyone in it. I can't stand it here anymore. I was not built nor born to be alone. I have an extremely hard time with it. It has even become medically dangerous for me to be alone, to the extent I apparently have been allowing people to use me and my home just to not be alone if something happened. I'm asked quite frequently if I love myself and my answer was always the same yes I do. That's not the case anymore though. I hate my very existence now. From my skin color to my brain, from my words to my tastes. I hate everything about the being you are reading about. I don't feel like I deserve the air I breathe nor the space I inhabit. I'm a waste of oxygen simply put. I try to help people all the time, I would give my very last to see someone else smile and yet when I need help I can barely count 3 people I could call or go to. I have always been a sick person, I was disabled from birth until around 30. They ruled my illness as no longer deadly and cut me off. Mind you I have never sat back and just collected a check either. I have an excellent work ethic. I have been in and out of jobs since I was old enough to work. This is the second time I have ever been fired and both incidents were under illegal circumstances. Discrimination and wrongful termination. So I ask why do the people who try their best to be good always have the hardest lives, the biggest thoughts mountains to climb? Why can we never find love or companionship while the people who are nasty and mean get everything they want and deserve? I ask this because the reality is it's the bloody truth. People like me get used, stepped on , spit on, tossed out, demeaned, insulted, hated pretty much 24/7. We never have a moment to breathe. When it's not coming from another person we have to deal with the racing thoughts that treat us just as bad if not worse. I've been suffering with mental illness my whole life and as an adult I can say this has been the hardest time I've had trying to maintain. I've had attempts that put me in the hospital, I've had times where I have done things to myself just to feel. Mentally I am at a stage where I feel as if I am a much older man. I'm at the age mentally where I'm ready to move on, or pass on. I feel like I've tried all I wanted to try and done what I wanted to do within my own means. I am told I am a gifted poet, artist and singer. Mostly everyone I meet that has experienced anything I've done or created asks why I don't try to become famous. I don't want to have people love me so much they forget about anything else, I don't want to be changed by status. All I want in life is for others to be happy and to not have to be alone all my days. I used to even want children, I dont anymore because I feel like I can't raise them the way I feel they would need to be raised. All of my jous have been stripped from me and I am simply tired of fighting. I'm tired of trying and I'm tired of putting my fake smile on when all I feel is despair and pain. My life feels like it has no meaning and I just want off this train..