Good morning/night to all the wonderful people who are moving through life no matter how hard it gets. You're really strong.

I am Jac. 19. Turning 20 coming on Monday. To start with, I'm from a dysfunctional family. And my family members have a tendency of ending themselves. Trust me, there is a pattern. My dad is a doctor. My mom's a therapist but she isn't practicing currently. I have a brother(14). I'm afraid that he'll choose the same path as me.

I have a history of self harm and fatal attempts to jump out of the train of life but for some reason, I'm still here. The first one being right before I turn 18.

My family knows that I'm mentally unstable. I'm currently under medication. My psychiatrist a famous one(where I am from). She sorta works with my dad in the same establishmen so I don't know if she's being professional enough with me. My dad is extremely abusive and I wish I wasn't born in this family. He is a manipulative POS. He tried to play the friendly guy when I first did the deed. You know what I mean. Not that deed which people do to procreate themselves. I just wanted to end everything. Then after a couple of months he was back to being his old self. Since then my SH got extreme and now my entire torso is covered in scars. Just when my scars on my forearm started fading away, new scars bloomed on my chest and stomach. My family knows it too. They've seen it. It was an awful night. I ran to the hospital with a bloody(literally) hoodie on, with tears. My psychiatrist was there and she...she took care of me. My dad called me and threatened that he'll go to the police if I don't return home.

Soon my mom arrived and joined us. My cuts were cleaned and dressed. But then, instead of talking it out...they fucking sedated me. I was sleeping on and off for 2 days. I don't know if this is ethically the right thing to do. Don't care enough to think about it.

Now my dad is being extremely abusive and I feel like ending myself. I just don't want another screwed up attempt that'll leave my mom shattered. I don't want to cut myself again. I just want the pain to go away. I want to leave my family, move to a new place and never return. I'm in tears right now. I feel like if someone kidnapped me and asked me to work for them...I wouldn't hesitate to go with them. I'd do anything to make this my past. But my feelings are too strong and I'm tired of being the cheerful guy. I want an out.