I was sitting in my optics class eating a bag of chips (dill pickle), when my professor said "I didn't get a chance to eat during the break because people kept coming to my office," (he glared in my direction because yeah, that was me) "so I might be a bit moody."

Being the altruist I am, I held up my chips and shook it to get his attention. "That's not food. That is shit." I gasped.

Another student threw an energy bar at him. He picked up the bar and checked the ingredients. "Shit."

Student: "How is that shit? That bar is pure gains."
Prof: "Sugar."
Student: "Sugar's the sixth ingredient!"
Prof: "Yeah? What's the seventh?"
Student: "Whey protein."
Prof: "Shit."

It was at this point that I began to suspect he might be vegan. When he was done talking and our lab started, I decided that I would wave him down and ask him. He'd been helping out one lab group for so long that I decided to go and interrupt him. When I got to that table, I noticed he was talking about health and how meat and dairy were bad for health.

Student2: "So you're telling me that Arnold Schwarzenegger is unhealthy?"
Prof: "It is a fact that if you eat meat and dairy that you will have a shorter life. There's this study--"
Me: "The China Study?"
Prof: "No. There's this religion--"
Me: "Jainists?"
Prof: "No. Something with a seven I--"
Me: "Seventh Day Adventists?"
Prof: *glare* "Yes."

Then he talked about how the lived longer up until like the 90s or some shit. He really wouldn't stop talking so it was hard to get a word in, so I went back to my table and waited for him to free up. When he finally stopped talking I waved him down and OH MY GODS HE WOULDN'T SHUT UP TO LET ME ASK A FUCKING QUESTION FUCKING PREACHY BASTARD SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP and I asked if he was vegan and

Prof: "I'm not vegan why would I be vegan." (punctuation chosen to capture inflection)
Me: "But you said meat and dairy are shi--"
Prof: "They are objectively shit. But I love meat and having cream in my coffee and..."
INSERT DAYS OF PREACHING AND CARNIST APOLOGIA

You were the chosen one! You were supposed to educate the carnists, not become one!

My lab-mate was like "Are you vegan?"
Me: "Yep!"
Partner: "Oh cool, I've been vegetarian for 10 years. Tried veganism once but couldn't do it."

And on the outside I'm like "Good for you, sweaty!" and inside I'm like "Don't breath the same air as me, cheesebreath."

This is going to be a long semester.