After reading this sub extensively and looking at so many dilators that it made my head spin, I finally took the plunge and bought a set of CalExotics ones from Amazon. They weren’t my first choice, but they were the highest quality that I could afford. I got them today, along with some Slippery Stuff lube, and before I could lose my nerve, I made myself unbox everything and get to work.

At first I couldn’t get the smallest size to go in at all, but I think it was more an issue of angle and positioning than anything else. After a couple of tries and applying more lube, it slid right in. There was no burning, no stinging, no pain at all. Discomfort is even too strong a word for what I felt. It was just irritating, an unfamiliar feeling of something being there when usually nothing is. I didn’t move it around or massage with it much because I figured for this first time, I would just get used to insertion. I was even able to completely remove and reinsert it, which I know is something a lot of people struggle with, so I was a little nervous about it. It didn’t feel good, and I was a little sore afterward, but it didn’t feel that bad.

I’m so relieved, and hopeful that now that I’ve done it painlessly, my body won’t be so braced for pain and future penetrative acts will be able to happen with less anxiety. Looking at the larger sizes of dilators makes me very nervous and I have trouble believing that they’ll fit, but I know how the vagina works and how much it can take, so I know it’s just a matter of going slowly enough and not getting ahead of myself, and of keeping the anxiety to a minimum and remembering to relax and breathe. It’s incredible how much difference setting and headspace makes. Trying to insert tampons has always been excruciating, fingering has barely been possible and never pleasurable, and gynecological exams have left me in traumatized tears. But with enough lube, a comfortable position, and a quiet, private place to try, it was a piece of cake for me.

It’s obviously different for everyone, but I hope this can serve as hope for those of you who haven’t gotten there yet, or who haven’t been able to try, that it’s possible. Even if you’re terrified or disbelieving, like I was, it’s possible. I may come back soon and cry about not being able to fit the larger sizes, but right now, this feels like a huge hurdle overcome.