This letter to you is bittersweet. You told me to stop reading these things because they are sad as fuck lol and I did.

I just do not know how to completely let you go despite my better judgment. You have been the most tormented decision of my adult life. Considering all of your actions, everything that has basically repeatedly told me without saying it that you do not want me as a partner, we BOTH can’t close that door for some reason.

So fuck it. I’m leaving it open. That’s not to say I’m going to wait for you or by any means do I expect you to wait for me. I see you struggle with your thoughts and I always wish I could put all of your anxiety and fears aside so your mind could just rest. I know you have a good heart or else you would have no problem cutting certain people off in your life.

It’s seriously the worst feeling ever to have never been your first option. It’s like you want me to be but you always have to find a reason or reasons when push comes to shove to not let it just be me, for once. I still think there’s something beautiful on the other side of all of this for us if you decided to one day go all in.

You flip flop so fast lol. At the bar last night, you just just wanted time to cut him off. Then said hey just give me a week to where you even wanted me to shake on it! Then even as we’re having dinner, I can see you mind changing right in front of me. Because I talked to loud, or said something you thought was rude, and those thoughts of making it work always just slip away and you go right back to not wanting me.

That’s been the entire relationship. I guess in the end I just wanted to give ourselves both a fair shot at this. Without him in your life and instead of you just getting the ick and being done with me, just push through it for once. Get past that “ick” and let’s just wake up in the morning and have a good day. That’s all I ever want was for you to give me your attention, give me time to really figure you out. Make some moves. Be that rock for you. I don’t know. I get I’m not the easy option, logically yes I fucking get it. I don’t want to settle tho. Fuck settling I want what I want. I’ll work for that shit, I’ll fight for it.

So is this it? Honestly probably not. Take your time to heal, I very much want that for us, I’ll do the same. I’ll keep the line open somehow but not hold my breath. I love you like crazy. Forever drawn to you, forever my gem, just hoping for that real fucking chance. One time. And don’t just cut me off if you’re not feeling it for a moment, actually communicate it, let me be myself around you for once. If it doesn’t work, then ok. But don’t sabotage it, for once, just choose me. I love you so much it’s sickening. I know you love me too.

You might be blocked but you know what to do.

Love always,

• P