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Iām willing to try this. Anything to make this process better. Maybe this with a bidet wand would make it tolerable.
Was about to say the same thing. Literally the only break from my two young boys.
Iāll tell you a secret if you promise not to tell anyone: sometimes I donāt have to poop and just go back to the bathroom, lock the door and scroll Reddit for 10-15 minutes.
Right. Like the act of pooping feels good and relieving. But you also know you need to clean up that butt mud which is always looming over the good feeling of the act.
I thought the internet was just for porn until nowā¦.
Well, you grow up in a house where your parents are too embarrassed to talk about things and just assume you can figure it out yourselfā¦.
Until today I didnāt know there was an alternativeā¦.
This is also an interesting point. I donāt think I ever learned to wipe my ass properly. I typically grab a fair amount, wad it up and stick it up there and give it one wipe. Iāve never folded it over, or double wiped in my entire life. I think I go through too much toilet paper as a result. But Iām too old to change. Itās just muscle memory at this point.
Yeah. Itās up there with with shoveling snow in terms of pointless, defeating tasks.
Yeah lots of things I had to figure out on my own. Sex was the other one. They would never have talked to me about it and just figured Iād learn about it in school. Little did they realize that at the super conservative souther Indiana public schools I attended sex ed was barely a thing.
I had to piece most of it together with Wikipedia and porn.
Yes, I resort to this more often than Iād like. But sticking your hands into your muddy crevice equally sucks.
I align myself with your comments and wish to subscribe to your news letter
I simply refuse to shit more than once a day. Iāll deuce in the morning, but if I have to go in the evening or before bed I just sleep on the loaf.
At the risk of being totally grossed out, I think I need to see a video. Itās like tying my shoes, I never learned to do that properly either.
I also call pooping, āblowing mudā. Great mental imagery.
I do have a hairy ass. To quote The League, āhave you ever tried getting peanut butter out of a shag carpet?ā
You are not alone friend. I see you and hear you and support you.
As stated earlier, I have a great diet. I eat a balance diet and am almost always in the middle of the Bristol Stool Chart. I donāt think my fecal matter is the problem. I think any amount of clean up is what bothers me. Even if itās a trace of poo itās still gross.
Why? Can they make me not poop? Iām always in the middle of the Bristol Stool Chart. Iām a healthy guy. I eat right and have no digestive issues. I just hate clean up. Even a little bit of it.
Ah. So I have multiple lines of defense. My throne of choice is in the master suite. So I lock the bedroom door and the bathroom door. Maybe you need to fortify your āreading roomā?
Congratulations, I think you might have a fetishā¦.
I wash my butt every shower. But I donāt have mud in my butt to clean out post shit every shower.
Iāveā¦never heard of a travel bidet bottle. You may have just changed my life.
Well I hasnāt until just now. But having someone shoot a laser that close to my chocolate starfish seems intimidating at best.
Yeah this doesnāt sound good. Like playing Russia. Roulette with a loaded sphincterā¦.
True. One does not preclude the other and in some rare cases it involves bothā¦.
The bots think you are posting an unpopular opinion about your preference to have the toilet paper go over the top (like a normal human) or under the bottom (like a savage).
This must be your first day on Reddit. Welcome!
You know what? This threat went entirely too long without someone saying this.
How do you suppose those actually worked?
Also: Seashells
Especially American public bathrooms which have that completely unnecessary gap in the door which allows random strangers watch you shitā¦
We also had a crazy high rate of teenage pregnancy. Itās *almost* like the two could be related.
This is some big brain thinking right here.
Wesley Snipes has entered the chat
No mo. Get an indoor locking door knob. The one you can open from the outside with a paper clip via the small hole. No keys.
Adding it to my Amazon shopping list now. Thank you!
Never. Logic and facts are not something overly religious people cam handle.
I donāt expect to have to not clean myself. I do. Every time. Iām just saying I hate it.
Yes. I love this movie but have spent way too much time in my life trying to figure out how it would actually work. I mean I know itās a joke, but could it really have some actually utility?
Me neither. I donāt live too far from work so Iāve been know to literally drive home to poop.
That sort of changed when they put in single person/ general neutral bathrooms. But then Iām constantly worried I didnāt properly lock the door.
Seems entirely reasonable. Is this okay as you go or do we set up a contract?
I hear this method is popular among North Korean leadersā¦
not too lazy to wipe ass. Disgusted by it.
not asking to have people solve problem for me. Just venting my unpopular opinion.
sure you can wipe my ass. When can you start? I canāt pay you money but I promise plenty of exposureā¦.
āNo, but we can build a Mr. Hankey!ā
Maybe put a garbage disposal on the drain?
Very very not hard. You could probably figure it out without a YouTube video. Just unscrew the current one and screw in the new one.
Be forewarned though. With kids they will ABSOLUTELY lock themselves in or everyone out.
I didnāt know fiber gummies existed! Off to Amazon I go!
True but then you are literally hauling your shit with you everywhere you go. Not sure that is preferableā¦..
Agree. Just glad I have Reddit to keep me company is the porcelain library.
True. It is preferable to an colostomyā¦.
A guy I went to school with got suspended for handing out condomsā¦..
Iām not sure this is a good option. Then you smell like a sewer and your drawers look like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Iām thinking of moving to an all corn diet like Iām in the movie Interstellar.
Yeah I can see that. I mean worst case scenario youāre high and may not mind it all as muchā¦
No I donāt take baths. I have no desire to create dirty human broth.
Ah, a variation on āspace dockingā. Interesting but not quite what Iām looking forā¦.
You then have a shit-covered wash clothā¦.
Lul wut? I know it is part of life. Iām just bitching about it.
Iād totally hire a Royal butt wiper like kings of olde used to have. If I were Elon Musk or Bezos Iād totally pay for this service.
Iām so sorry to hear that. I have a couple of friends that swear by medicinal marijuana. Maybe thatās something in your area to try if you havenāt?
I go with a bidet wand but I canāt take it everywhere I go so Iām forced to use paper and fish around in my ass until itās clean which just seems barbaric.
Bidet wand is better but still not ideal. Part of our problem is that ours hooks into the toilet water intake which is a absolutely bracing this time of year. And yes I know there are heated solutions. But still power washing your ass doesnāt seem ideal either. You still need a pass or two with TP to make sure itās clean.
Like, on one day you would shit the same amount you would the other 364 days a year combined? Iām not sure Iād do that. Thatād be sort of bananas. Now if we could set up a quarterly planā¦..
Gives a whole new meaning to, āif you canāt duck it, fuck it.ā
I would absolutely use one of my three wishes on this.
Just because everyone does it doesnāt make it less disgusting IMO. It just makes it common. There are plenty of things that are common that are disgusting. The two arenāt related.
This seems like it would cause all kinds of other problemsā¦..
It varies. But even the smallest amount of mess is sort of revolting. Itās not so much the volume as it is the process.
Somehow this seems worse. Does it actually work?
I have no idea what this meansā¦.
You do know you canāt lose more than 15 karma even if you are downvoted that badly. At least thatās how I understand thingsā¦
Other comments here have recommendations for travel bidetsā¦..
Can these fit existing toilets? I guess Iād still have to get a power outlet out in tho.
Iāve had a Toto with the bidet thing. I kinda prefer the wandā¦
I really wish it was just a South Park thing:
Damn. One footers? Iām honestly impressed.
You canāt say bidet in a post because it gets flagged by the bots. Hence me saying āwater based solutionsā
Had one in my old house. I honestly prefer the bidet wandā¦.
This sounds incredibly perilousā¦
As stated a few times. I have a bidet wand. It does make it better.
But you canāt say toilet paper or bidet in the post or a bot will block the post.
Damn dude. Lay off the Indian food.
Iām my experience, wet paper is the dingleberry makerā¦.
I agree that the time spent on the can is enjoyable. Itās just the cleanup that I find tedious and repugnant.
This has been suggested a number of times. Iām going to try it for sure. This many Redditors canāt be wrong can they?
Oh right r/wallstreetbets has proven that the wisdom of Reddit is sus.
Iāll still try it tho.
Didnāt they have plebs in Ancient Rome/Greece that did this for you at the bathrooms though?
Perhaps you should take this to one of the many religious subs and see what they say. You might turn them into atheists.
Agree. The big deuce with no clean up is amazing but, in my experience, is also a unicorn.
So your answer to me hating to wipe is to wipe more?
Well idk.. I typically only go once a day if I can help it. Do it in the morning before shower. Other times I āgo to the bathroomā but itās an excuse to take a break from the kids.
I had the worse case of constipation when I was in Arizona for a few months. Not sure if it was the heat or what, but I just couldnāt poop for weeks. Took all kinds of soft laxatives and stool softeners and it was a sort of living hell. Iād push and push and my asshole felt like it was expanding to such degree as to allow for Elvis himself to pass through. When it did finally come out I was crying it hurt so badly. I can only assume itās slightly analogous to child birth. Only by the grace of god did I avoid an anal fissure.
Not too far off. But a brown, scented marker.
Damn my man. That is rough. Maybe you need to fit a garbage disposal to your toilet?
I had never thought about this. Given how seemingly precise the transporters are, there wouldnāt be a reason why they couldnāt beam the shit right out of your colon into space.
Well shit. Thank god I got this alt for trolling purposes.
Hol up. You stack your shit crusted baby wipes up and then only take them out periodically?
Donāt they have something like this on the ISS? Not a black hole but a vacuum?
I guess itās better than having an oral bowl movementā¦ which is actually a thingā¦.
The act of pooping is, indeed, satisfying. Itās the act of cleaning with which I take issue.
Fairly hairy but not like, bear hairy. Are you suggesting I wax my asshole? Or is there another method Iām missingā¦.
Get them a bidet wand for Christmas. Easy to install and makes it more tolerable. It can be a āgag giftā that you then go and install.
Ima be real, Iām lucky to take out the bathroom trash once a week or soā¦
Thatās actually from āThe Leagueā. But true nonetheless.
Yeah they wreck your sewage system though. Unless you throw them in a trash can like some sort of a peasantā¦.
Thanks for the updoot and the understanding.
I do both. Doesnāt make it any less disgustingā¦.
Yes, fellow Redditor. I too wish you all the luck in the world and genuinely hope for youāre recovery. You got this. And before long youāll be spelunking for poop-stalagmites like the rest of us!
What do you mean a dry cleaning thing? You send your ass off to a cleaner and let them do it? Pick it up the next day?
You can believe what you want. But even with the hardest of poos there is some amount of clean up and it sucks.
Canāt say bidet in the post or youāll get banned by a bot that is confused. I have a bidet wand and as I say it makes it better but I find I still need to make a TP pass or two to make sure stuff is clean. And it still sucks.
Also toilet paper wipes still require fishing in your brown hole and those can also wreck a septic system.
Damn. All this time I thought they shit gold and sugar cookies. My life will never be the sameā¦..
Itās not about diet. I have a great diet and am healthy and in shape. But no matter what there is still clean up involved and it is utterly gross.
It certainly debunks āintelligent designā
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Shut up and take my money!