For a lot of last year and in the preceding few years, I watched quite a lot of socially conservative content to try and get into the minds of people who disagree with liberal ways of thinking. Some of the messaging I got from it was that you should try and be as strong as possible for the worst-case in scenario and heard a lot of quotes such as "strong men lead to good times, good times lead to weak men, weak men lead to bad times", the phrasing I don't like but could see how access to instant gratification can make people less able to deal with stress and see things through. In a historical context I think it's a terrible argument. Some of them made these abstract arguments as to why being transgender threatens masculinity and the belief in social hierarchies. Other things included watching videos about how entrepreneurs and those with excellent communication skills are those that make the most money and so therefore naturally provide the most value while consumerism indicates weak will and is punished through a lower place on the social hierarchy.

The thing is, people could hear the videos I was watching through my headphones and heard that some people think I'm a closeted alt-righter, which is not the case. I do have some insecurities similar to those who go down the alt-right path but don't believe in many of the core tenants. People talk about essentialism, the whole alpha-beta-sigma bullshit, and while its juvenile, I feel compelled to make sure I can counter these statements and so end up engaging with and discussing these things a lot. This supports the idea that I believe in these things purely out of the time I've engaged with it.

My insecurity has also been reflected in some adult content that I have watched, which reflects some negative stereotypes about people but is not something I believe in much of any way. But it plays on an insecurity complex. If I was caught or when I was, I worry that people would interpret that I believe these things literally when I don't.

I'm constantly worried that people can live in my head and know my character more than I do and that I am secretly an awful person. I've seen leftist cmmenters who talk about how people who engage with some of this right wing media are sexist, racist, transphobic, and just generally bad self-victimizing people. I feel like I have